Tortoise Jokes

A family of tortoises went into a cafe for some ice cream. They sat down and were about to start when Father Tortoise said, "I think its going to rain. Junior, will you pop home and fetch my umbrella?" So off went junior for Fathers umbrella, but three days later he still hadnt returned. "I think, dear," said Mother Tortoise to Father Tortoise, "that we had better eat juniors ice cream before it melts." And a voice from the door said, "If you do that I wont go."

Where do you find a tortoise with no legs?
Right where you left him...

This joke is from the opening paragraph of Stephen Hawkings book,
"A Brief History of Time."
A well-known scientist (some say it was Bertrand Russell) once gave a
public lecture on astronomy. He described how the earth orbits around
the sun and how the sun, in turn, orbits around the center of a vast
collection of stars called our galaxy. At the end of the lecture, a
little old lady at the back of the room got up and said: "What you have
told us is rubbish. The world is really a flat plate supported on the
back of a giant tortoise."
The scientist gave a superior smile before replying, "What is the
tortoise standing on?"
"You're very clever, young man, very clever," said the old lady.
"But it's turtles all the way down!"

One day there was a tortoise walking on the road. Along came the hare that had once been defeated by the tortoise in a race. The hare was so angry from what had happened to him so he challenged him to another race. The tortoise gladly accepted his challenge. It ended up that the tortoise and the hare never finished the race because they both took a nap right before the finish line. So the tortoise is still the champion of the race. So remember this you snooze you loose!

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a tortoise?
A: The blond is better on her back than the tortoise.