Total Jokes / Recent Jokes

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300, 000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3. 5 children per household, that's 91. 8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the more...

I was climbing a mountain in Catkills New York.
As I go pass a small town, a notice board read this...
POPULATION 8, 000
ALTITUDE 6, 000
TOTAL 14, 000

Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol.
The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. "I teach math there," I explained.
The trooper smiled, and said, "Okay, here's a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h over the limit. At $12 for every m.p.h over the limit, plus $40 costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what's her total cost?
I replied, "Taking the total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I'd say zero."
He handed me back my license. "Math was never my favorite subject," he addmitted. "Please slow down."

Total immersion geologists

Total immersion geologists: Are you totally obsessed with geology? If so, then you are a total immersion geologist. Here are the ten warning signs:

1. You judge a restaurant by the type of decorative building stone they use rather than their food.

2. You manage to turn any conversation into a discussion of geology, as in: "What did you think of that Superbowl game last night?" "I must have missed that conference. Who sponsored it? Geological Society of America?"

3. You refuse to let nightfall stop your field excursions and continue looking at the outcrops using the headlights of your field vehicle.

4. You like rock music only because it`s called "rock" music.

5. You will try to claw through the water flowing in a stream to get a better look at the bedrock at the base of the channel.

6. You will walk across eight lanes of freeway traffic to see if the more...

1. Santa’s Workload
There are two billion children in the world, but since Santa doesn’t appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, and Budist children, that reduces his workload to 15% of the total, or 300 million. At an average rate of 3. 5 children per household, that’s 85. 7 million homes. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different times zones and the rotation of the Earth, assuming he travels East to West. This works out to 767. 9 visits per second. So for each household with good children, Santa has about 1/1, 000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the presents, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, into the sleigh and move on to the next house. ”

2. The Time/Distance Factor
Assuming that these 91. 8 million stops are evenly distributed around the Earth, we’re talking about. 78 miles per household, a total trip of 75. 5 million more...

After working in the computer business for 25 years, Jack decides he's finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont, as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Other than that, it's total peace and quiet.
After several months of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when there's a knock on his door. He opens it and standing before him is a big, bearded Vermonter.
"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."
"Great," Jack says, "After six months of this, I'm ready to meet some of the local folks. Thanks."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you, there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"No problem," Jack replies. "After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. more...

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as far away from humanity as possible. Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner one day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after 6 months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinking." "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of' em." Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More' n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." more...