Touch Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock. But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur. So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, “Why can't I touch its fur? ” as their didnt seem to be anything wrong with it. Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldnt understand until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla. He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur. Suddenly the gorilla went ape shit and started to jump around, then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the more...

A doctor had just delivered twins. They were a boy and a girl.
The head nurse brought them out for their father to see.
He could hardly believe his good fortune. The girl baby had a pink blanket wrapped around her and the boy baby was enclosed in a blue blanket. He took one step forward just so he could touch the babies and believe they had finally arrived.
As he started to touch them the nurse took a step backwards and said, "You can't touch those babies. You aren't sterile!"
With out missing a beat, he retorted "You're telling ME I'm not sterile?!"

A girl goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, there's something wrong wtih me. Whenever I touch my cheek it hurts. Whenever I touch my shoulder it hurts. Same with my knee cap!"

"Your fingers broken."

A man goes to the doctor. "Doc," he says pointing to different parts of his body, "when I touch my arm it hurts. When I touch my neck it hurts. And when I touch my stomach it hurts. Do I have some rare disease?"

"No," the doctor replied, "you have a broken finger."

Unleash the Power of Shift! Q: My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out? A: Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers. Q: What happens if I press both shift keys? A: Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139. 95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you. Q: My religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuationA: Discuss alternatives to the shift key with more...

If you are 30, or older, you might think this is hilarious! When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways yadda, yadda, yadda And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the darn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!! There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - more...

Once Santa And Banta Try To Land An Airplane In The States. They Start Descending And As They Touch The Ground Santa Screams, The Runway Is Ending...". Banta Swiftly Gets The Plane Back Up In The Air... They Make A Big Turn And Start Descending Again. The Moment They Touch The Ground, Santa Screams Again "Get The Plane Up, The Runaway Is Ending...". This Goes On Again And Again... During Their Fourth Descent Santa Says: "Look At Those Stupid Americans, They Build This Huge & Expensive Airport But With Such A Short Runaway..", "I Know" Answers Banta, "But Look How Wide They Made It...."