Tough Jokes / Recent Jokes
A teacher, a petty thief and a lawyer all died and went to the Pearly Gates. Because of crowding, St. Peter told them they had to pass a test before ascending any further. Adressing The teacher, he asked, "What was the name of the famous ship that hit an iceberg and sank?" "The Titanic," she answered and St. Peter motioned her into heaven. The thief was next. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asked. "Gee, that's tough," the man replied. "But luckily I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500." St. Peter let him through. Then St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
A tough case was being argued in court. The defense attorney, feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a bottle ofhundred-year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be tied." The judge'll kill me. Trying to bribe him! We're dead!""I don't think so," his attorney told him. "I sent it in the other lawyer's name!"
There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse takes a shot of tequilla, slams the glass on the table and says, “I’m the toughest mouse in this city. I’m so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee - just for an extra jolt to start off each day. ”
The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey – throws his glass on the floor and says, “I’m the toughest mouse in this city. I’m so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feet - then I toss it to the floor, and take the cheese for breakfast. It’s all part of my morning routine. ”
The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says… “I’ve had enough of you two. I’m going to go more...
Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were."I'm so tough", said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week".
"Well", said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day".
"That's nothing", said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in a hour".
It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top. How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter." The official just stared. The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!" The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"