Tough Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.
The first says, “I’m so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison! ”
The second says, “Well I’m so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart! ”
Then the third rat gets up and says, “Later guys, I’m off home to harass the cat. ”

Three tough city mice are sitting in a bar having a drink.
The first mouse takes a shot of tequila, slams the glass on the bar and says, "I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I walk around the house collecting mouse poison. Then I return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee - just for an extra jolt to start off each day."
The second mouse gulps his scotch down, throws the glass on the floor and says, "I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air. Then I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feet, toss it to the ground and take the cheese for my breakfast. This is all part of my normal morning routine."
The third mouse, bored with the conversation, looks at the other two mice, sets his glass of beer down and says, "I've had enough of you two. I'm going home to more...

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me. .. the whole world hates me!" Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

They say that its tough to learn Bosnian because it has seven verb tenses: six past, one present, and no future.

A Calculus Carol
written by: Denis Gannon (1940-1991)
sung to the tune of "Oh, Christmas Tree" Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
How tough are both your branches.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
To pass what are my chances?
Derivatives I cannot take,
At integrals my fingers shake.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
How tough are both your branches.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Your theorems I can't master.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
My Proofs are a disaster.
You pull a trick out of the air,
Or find a reason, God knows where.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Your theorems I can't master.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Your problems do distress me.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Related rates depress me.
I walk toward lampposts in my sleep,
And running water makes me weep.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Your problems do distress me.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
My limit I am more...

"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered
private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army,
you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and
spit on my grave."

"Not me, Serge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of
the Army, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

Three mice are at a bar, having drinks, talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot of booze, says, "Let me tell you how tough I am."
I spot a trap and go for the cheese. When it snaps, I snatch the bar and bench press it 20 or so times and before it can close I'm outa there!" and he tosses down another shot.
The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "You think that's tough? When I find a pile of d-con, I crush it and snort it like it's cocaine." With that he throws down another shot and slams his shotglass on the bar.
The first two are staring at the third mouse, waiting to see what he has to say for himself.
He fires down a shot of booze, throws down his glass and heads for the door. His buddies look at each other, then at him and say, "Hey, where are YOU going?"
The third mouse says, "I haven't got time for this shit, I need to get home to screw the cat."