Tough Jokes / Recent Jokes

Graa and Zmba had just arrived in the Nevada desert from the planet Fraana when they happened upon a service station. Graa said to Zmba, "Watch out, this sucker is going to be one tough cookie!"
He walked up to pump number one and said, "Take me to your leader."
The pump just stood their and Graa got a little angry and repeated his command with emphasis, "Take me to your leader!" But the pump just stood motionless. Graa pulled out his ray gun and said, "This is your last chance. Take me to your leader." When the pump made no response, he fired a shot at it and the explosion hurled Graa and Zmba all the way back to their spacecraft.
"How did you know he would be so tough?" Zmba asked.
"Anyone with a dick so long they can stick it in their ear has got to be one tough cookie."

There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse takes ashot of tequilla, slams the glass on the table and says, "I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee -- just for an extra jolt to start off each day." The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey --throws his glass on the floor and says, "I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feet -- then I toss it to the floor, and take the cheese for breakfast. It's all part of my morning routine." The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says..."I've had enough of you two. I'm going to go home and screw more...

A tough old cowboy told his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103. When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grand-children, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.
The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"
The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"
Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."

Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."

Roland Tough, 22, dropped off a roll of film to be developed at a Tesco supermarket in England. When employees looked at the resulting prints, they recognized the men in the photos as the thieves who had robbed the store two weeks before, now posing with their loot from the robbery. Police arrested Tough when he came back to pick up his pictures.

He said he had taken the photos to "show friends in prison how well he was doing."

A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read:
"Our Staff will stuff your Stiff."
Not to be outdone, the madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner too:
"Our Stuff will stiff your Staff."