Tour Jokes / Recent Jokes

>The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and
>during her tour of the floors she passed a
>room where a male patient was masturbating.
>
>"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning
>of this???"
>
>The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man
>has a very serious condition where the
>testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a
>day, they would explode and he would most
>likely die instantly."
>
>"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
>
>On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a
>patient a blow job.
>
>"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
>
>The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

When a young salesman met his untimely end, he was informed that he had a choice about where he would spend his eternity: Heaven or Hell. He was allowed to visit both places, and then make his decision afterwards. "I'll see Heaven first," said the salesman, and an angel led through the gates on a private tour. Inside it was very peaceful and serene, and all the people there were playing harps and eating grapes. It looked very nice, but the salesman was not about to make a decision that could very well condemn him to a life of musical produce. "Can I see Hell now?" he asked. The angel pointed him to the elevator, and he went down to the Basement where he was greeted by one of Satan's loyal followers. For the next half hour, the salesman was led through a tour of what appeared to be the best night clubs he'd ever seen. People were partying loudly, and having a, if you'll pardon the expression, Hell of a time. When the tour ended, he was sent back up where the angel more...

BASIC STUPIDITY
* Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt $10
* Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt $20
* Asking when the rock set starts $20
* Continually asking "where are we?" $25
* Continually shouting "Yeah!" $25
* Asking bone player where "1" is $50
* Taking cellphone call during 4's $100

There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square. The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square. One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir?" The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down. "It's about 2:00", he says. The tourist can't believe what he just saw. He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, "The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!" One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens! It is 2:05.p.m. He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals. The local says "Sit down here and grab the more...

It's Colonel Smith's first day at a new base in Saudi Arabia, and the company clerk is showing him around the camp. They tour the entire base and the clerk shows him around and points out every building of interest. At the end of the tour, the Colonel says, "What about that little stable over there? What's that for?" "Well," says the clerk, and looks at the ground in embarassment, "you may have noticed there aren't any women on the base. You see, we keep a camel in that there stable, so that when the men get their urges they can --"The Colonel holds up his hand, shakes his head and cuts off the clerk midsentence. "PLEASE! Say no more. I get the point." Well, as you can imagine, after a few weeks on the base the Colonel too felt the need for a woman, and so he found himself at the clerk's desk one Saturday afternoon. "Tell me," the Colonel said in a whisper, looking over his shoulder to be sure no one else could hear, "is the camel more...

The Queen of England was paying a visit to one of Canada's top hospitals. During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Gracious," exlaimed the Queen, "that's disgusting. What is the meaning of this?"
The doctor leading the tour explained, "I apologize, Your Majesty. This man has a very serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that three times a day, they will explode and he will die."
"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a nurse was performing oral sex on a patient.
"Oh my goodness!" the shocked Queen said. "What is going on in there?"
"Same problem, better health plan," replied the doctor.

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman putting on sunscreen.
Q. What would Glenn McGrath be if he was English?
A. An all rounder.
Q. What is the main function of the England coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.
Q. Why is Darren Gough the unluckiest bowler on tour?
A. Because he was born in England.
Q. What's the English version of a hat trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.
Q. Why don't English fielders need pre tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.
Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped.
Q. What do you call a Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.
Q. What's the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Stewart?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.
Q. Who has the easiest job in the England touring party?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
Q. What more...