Transcript Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

    [This is supposed to be an actual court transcript. -- remember, you found it on the Internet!]]

    To: All Staff Attorneys Subject: Depositions and Their Use

    A friend sent me the following portion of a transcript, which was confirmed with one of the counsel involved (Ms. Olschner) and subsequently posted on Lexis Counsel Connect. The transcript is from Birmingham, Alabama, although the use of a deposition of a party opponent' for any purpose' is also in the federal rules. We have no word on what had happened immediately prior to this exchange:

    The Court: Next witness.

    Ms. Olschner: Your Honor, at this time I would like to swat Mr. Buck in the head with his client's deposition.

    The Court: You mean read it?

    Ms. Olschner: No, sir. I mean to swat him [in] the head with it. Pursuant to Rule 32, I may use the deposition' for any purpose' and that is the purpose for which I want to use it.

    The Court: Well, it does say more...

    My wife received a copy of the following at her law firm. It purports to be
    true. For those of you who don't know, a "deposition" is a transcript of
    pre-trial testimony. These transcripts tend to be thick documents.
    To: all attorneys
    Subject: Depositions and Their Use
    A friend sent me the following portion of a transcript, which was confirmed
    with one of the counsel involved (Ms. Olschner) and subsequently posted on
    Lexis Counsel Connect. The transcript is from Birmingham, Alabama, although
    the use of a deposition of a party opponent "for any purpose" is also in the
    federal rules. We have no word on what had happened immediately prior to this
    exchange:
    The Court: Next witness.
    Ms. Olschner: Your Honor, at this time I would like to swat Mr. Buck in the
    head with his client's deposition.
    The Court: You mean read it?
    Ms. Olschner: No, sir. I mean to swat him [in] the head with it. Pursuant to
    Rule 32, I more...

    Actual transcript from meeting of "Arab Comunity Organizations of Anytown":#1: I am the leader.#2: No, I am the leader, you are not the leader.#3: No, he is the leader, I am the President.#2: Are your saying I'm not the leader?#4: Wait, I am the leader.

    To: All Staff Attorneys Subject: Depositions and Their Use

    A friend sent me the following portion of a transcript, which was confirmed with one of the counsel involved (Ms. Olschner) and subsequently posted on Lexis Counsel Connect. The transcript is from Birmingham, Alabama, although the use of a deposition of a party opponent' for any purpose' is also in the federal rules. We have no word on what had happened immediately prior to this exchange:

    The Court: Next witness.

    Ms. Olschner: Your Honor, at this time I would like to swat Mr. Buck in the head with his client's deposition.

    The Court: You mean read it?

    Ms. Olschner: No, sir. I mean to swat him [in] the head with it. Pursuant to Rule 32, I may use the deposition' for any purpose' and that is the purpose for which I want to use it.

    The Court: Well, it does say that.

    (Pause.)

    The Court: There being no objection, you may proceed.

    Ms. more...

  • Recent Activity