Tuesday Jokes / Recent Jokes

'Apparently' taken from actual church bulletins:
1. Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
2. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
3. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
4. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
5. The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
6. Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
8. Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
9. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Bailey to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
10. The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the Choir!!
11. The Rector is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church more...

Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.
Don’t let worry kill you - let the church help.
Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4: 00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing “Put me in my little bed” accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5: 00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be “Little Mothers” more...

On the lighter side of religion, here are some actual sentences found in church bulletins and newsletters:
Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mother, please more...

The following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.
Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4: 00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5: 00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet more...

LH741:"Tower, give me a rough timecheck!"
Tower: "It's tuesday, Sir."

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR!

Tower: Shamu Two Two, please state estimated time of arrival.
Pilot: Ok, let's see..., I think Tuesday would be nice...

Pilot: "Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo estabished ILS16."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm and by the way: this is Wien Tower."
Pilot: (short break) "Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!"
Pilot: (short break again) "Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?"
Tower: "You can believe me, this is Vienna!
Pilot: (once again short break) "But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!"
Tower: "Oscar more...

The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"
"274" was his reply. The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday" replies the second man. The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

Tuesday's Wall Street Journal has an article about the Dutch takeover of
JFK airport's International Arrivals building. The Dutch have some
interesting ideas on how to clean it up:
In Amsterdam, the tile under Schiphol's urinals would pass inspection in an
operating room. But nobody notices. What everybody does notice is that
each urinal has a fly in it. Look harder, and the fly turns into the black
outline of a fly, etched into the porcelain.
"It improves the aim," says Aad Kieboom. "If a man sees a fly, he aims at
it." Mr. Kieboom, an economist, directs Schiphol's own building expansion.
His staff conducted fly-in-urinal trials and found that etchings reduce
spillage by 80%.
"We will put flies in the urinals - yes," Jan Jansen says in a back office
at the Arrivals Building. He is the new Dutch general manager, the boss as
of noon today. "It gives a guy something to think about. That's more...