Tune Jokes / Recent Jokes

TOP15.Some of the myths about marriage... Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says: "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond ear rings. His wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says: "But you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The wife is jumping up more...

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me. ”
The husband says “WHAT?? ”
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We’ll take all three of them.
Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings.
The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care).
She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says “but you don’t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it. ”
The wife is jumping up and down so excited more...

UPRIGHT PLAYERS
* Showing up before first downbeat $25
* Playing audibly $25
* Faking changes $25
* Slapping $150
* Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass $25
* Excessive sweating $25
* Pedal point double-stops during horn solo $50
* Asking leader for a solo $30
* Accepting solo when offered $50
* Taking second chorus $100
* Playing solo arco $400
* Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune $100
* Playing "A Train" ending on every tune $200
* Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune $500

After a really romantic dinner, a husband and wife are all over each other. They can't keep their hands off each other and they jump into bed and start getting all snugly. The passion is really heating up. They get to quite an intense point, but then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me". The guy says "WHAT??" The lady replies "You need to get in tune with my emotional needs as a Woman".
Then he realises that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the man takes her shopping at a big department store.
He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his woman to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes! worth $200 each, then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The lady is so excited. She thinks her guy has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for more...

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We' ll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says "but you don' t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'
The wife is jumping up and down. So more...

(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin', From my mouth, drool is glist'nin', I'm happy -- althoughMy boss let me go --Happily addicted to the Web. All night long, I sit clicking, Unaware time is ticking, There's beard on my cheek, Same clothes for a week, Happily addicted to the Web! Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man! Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"With a listless shrug, I mutter "No, man; I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!"I don't phone, don't send faxes, Don't go out, don't pay taxes, Who cares if somedayThey drag me away? I'm happily addicted to the Web! Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)

[To the tune of "American Pie"] A long, long, time ago
I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
And I knew if I had the chance
They could make my modem dance
with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines. But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
with every busy they`d deliver.
Bad news on the front page
A 19-hour outrage. I can`t remember if I cried
when I realized that Steve Case had lied.
But something touched me deep inside
The day the service died. So bye bye to Amer`ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it`s working just fine.
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this`ll be the day that they die.
This`ll be the day that they die. Did you write the book of TOS
Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
If an IM tells you so. And will you believe the Motley Fool
When he tells you that the service rules
And can you teach me how to Web real slow? Well more...