Turn Jokes / Recent Jokes
Dave Barry says:
In the early days, different brands of computers used different operating systems, which meant that people switching from one computer to another would have to learn a completely new set of instructions. This was obviously inefficient, so in the early 1980s, most major computer
manufacturers agreed to stop forcing people to learn a bunch of different operating systems, and instead adopt a single, uniform, standardized operating system so absurdly non-intuitive that nobody could learn it. This system was called MS-DOS.
The MS, of course, stood for Microsoft, the company that was started by the brilliant software genius Bill Gates. Gates is a very rich man today - Forbes Magazine estimates that he is worth more than the entire O. J. Simpson defence team combined - and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
To understand what I mean by versions, let's consider an analogy involving cars. Suppose you've purchased a new car, and you more...
1. You've ever cut your grass and found a car. 2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't. 3. You think the stock market has a fence around it. 4. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in-Theater. 5. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu. 6. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 7. You own a homemade fur coat. 8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns. 9. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 10. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so Ican take a bath." 11. You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in." 12. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen. 13. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. 14. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. 15. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call fromthe Governor to spare a loved one. 16. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hallbecause of her language. 17. Someone more...
Two scientists are talking in a lab one day and one says to the other, "Wait till you see my latest discovery. It'll blow your mind!" Naturally intrigued, the second scientist asks for a demonstration of this amazing discovery. At his request, the first scientist gets a spider out of a matchbox, places it on the desk and says, "Spider FORWARDS!" At his command, the spider moves forwards. The scientist then says, "Spider, TURN AROUND", to which the spider obeys. The scientist then says "Spider, FORWARDS", and again the spider does exactly as it is told. The second scientist, impressed with his friend's command of the spider, congratulates him on his work.
The first scientist then replies, "No, you haven't seen my discovery yet. Wait till you see *THIS*", and he then pulls all of the spiders legs off and places it back on the desk. The first scientist then repeats his order to the spider "Spider, FORWARDS", but the more...
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. They have machines that do that now.
A2: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
A3: One, but only after asking, "Why?" ("Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?")
A4: Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
A5: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
Quotes about computers and software and other things
' Unix was not designed to stop people from doing stupid things, because that would also stop them from doing clever things.' --Doug Gwyn
'True research is like fumbling in the dark for the right switches. Once you've turned the light on everyone can see...' -- unknown
'An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot' -- Rich Julius
'The C Programming Language - A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.'
'Pascal - A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.'
PROGRAM - n. - A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages. v. tr.- To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
'Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not more...
My 75 year old Dad was taking his daily walk through the park when he heard a tiny voice calling to him. "Hey, mister! Pssst, mister!" Dad looked all around, and spotted a little frog sitting in the grass looking up at him.
"Hey mister," said the frog. "A wicked witch cast a spell on me, and turned me into an ugly frog. If you'll just kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful."
Dad reached down, picked up the frog, put it in his pocket, and proceeded to walk on. The frog called out to him again, "Hey! Didn't you hear me? I said if you'll kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful."
Dad replied, "I heard you, but at my age, I'd rather just have a talking frog!"
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drugstore, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's more...