Turtle Jokes / Recent Jokes
While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90 year old man (he got his hand caught in a gate while working his cattle)a doctor and the old man were discussing Bush's health care reform ideas. The old man said "Well, ya know, old Bush is a post turtle". So, not knowing what he meant the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was. And he said "When your driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down."
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
"Mommy, my turtle is dead," the little boy, Myrddin, sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand. The mother kissed him on the head, then said," That's all right. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet. I don't want you...."
Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. "Myrddin, your turtle is not dead after all."
"Oh," the disappointed boy, wanting ice cream and a new pet, said. "Can I kill it?"
Once there were three turtles.
One day they decided to go on a picnic.
When they got there, they realized
they had forgotten the soda.
The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it
if they wouldn`t eat the sandwiches until he got back.
A week went by, then a month, finally a year,
when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let`s eat the sandwiches."
Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said,
"If you do, I won`t go!"
A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.
The turtle’s one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender looks at the guy and asks:
“What’s wrong with your turtle? ”
“Not a thing, ” the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog! ”
“Not a chance! ”, replies the barkeep.
“Okay then, says the guy… you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I’ll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there. ”
So the bartender, thinking it’s an easy $500, agrees.
The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.
Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says -
“I WIN… Told you it’ll be more...
A man walks into a bar with his turtle which is has two black eyes, 3 broken legs, a plater on his head and duct tape holding his shell together.
the bar man looks to him and says
"what the hell is that thing"
the man replies
"this is the fasted turtle in the world"
the barman
" if it can make it across the length of my bar in 10 mins i will give you free drinks all evening"
the man
" its a deal"
So everybody in the bar is waiting patiently for the man to put his turtle and on the floor and watch it go then the bar man says go, and without any hesitation the man throughs his turtle across the bar bouncing off the wall at the other side and falling to the floor.
The man replies
"two shots of vodka please".