Turtle Jokes / Recent Jokes

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.

After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

what do rich turtle wear?
people-necked sweaters
why did the turtle hurry across the road?
to get to the shell station

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde all died on the same day and they all went to heaven. But god said that he has many turtles on the floor of heaven and that if you stepped on one that you would be paired with a really ugly guy. The brunette went first and stepped on a turtle. The redhead went next and stepped on a turtle. The blonde went next she didnt step on a turtle. She was paired with a hot guy. The brunette and the redhead asked the blonde how she got a cute guy and the guy said I stepped on a turtle!

A drunk goes into a bar. He is very, very drunk - can hardly stand up. He slurs his way up to the bar and says:

"Hey, bartender! Gimme a martini!"

"No, no," says the bartender. "You've had too much already."

The drunk spies a dart board behind the bar. "Tell you what," he says. "If I can throw three bull's eyes with that dart set would you let me have the drink?"

"Sure," says the bartender, thinking the guy would leave after the little game. He hands the drunk three darts. "Look out, everybody!" Zot, zot, zot. The drunk thr
throws three quick bull's eyes. Well, the bartender had never seen anything like that before, but he has to make good on the wager, so he makes a martini and sets it before the drunk. He then puts a napkin next to the drink and sets a turtle on it.

"What's this," says the drunk.

"That's a prize for such fine more...

Ricky ran into the kitchen sobbing and cradling something in his hands. "Mommy, my turtle's dead," he sobbed, as he held the turtle out to his mother.
His mother kissed him on the head and said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in tissue paper and put him in a little box. Then we'll have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, then to the pet store to get you a new pet. I don't want you... " Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. "Ricky, your turtle isn't dead after all."
"Oh," the disappointed boy said. "Can I kill it?"

1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.....

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESMAN,' WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?' HE SAID IF HE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO' GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED more...

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.
After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell. After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.
The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, watched the turtle with pain.
Suddenly the female bird says to the male, "Dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted."