Twelve Jokes / Recent Jokes

A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St. Peter."Welcome!" he says. "Because we are currently operating at 99% capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven. Therefore, you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance.""Okay," says the blonde."Here's your question: name two days of the week that begin with the letter T.""That's easy. Today and tomorrow!""Well, that's not the answer I was thinking of, but I'll give you another question. How many seconds are there in a year?""That's easy. Twelve!""Twelve?""January second, February second, March second-""Okay, okay. I can see you misunderstood this question as well. Okay, one more chance. What's God's name?""That's easy. Howard!""Howard?""You know - 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name..."

Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring......

Santa Ordered A Pizza At A Restaurant. The Waiter Asked If He Should Cut It In Six Or Twelve Pieces.
"Six Please," Said Santa "I Could Never Eat Twelve Pieces."

Santa Claus Ltd
North Pole
December 1999

Dear Mary:

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree on Christmas.

I was going to bring you all the gifts from the "Twelve Days of Christmas," but we have a little problem up here. The Twelve Fiddlers fiddling have all come down with STD's from fiddling with the Ten Ladies Dancing; the Eleven Lords a Leaping have knocked up the Eight Maids a Milking; the Nine Pipers Playing have been arrested for doing weird things to the Seven Swans a Swimming. ..

Even worse! The Six Geese a Laying, Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two Turtle Doves, and the Partridge In a Pear Tree have me up to my ass in bird crap!

On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through the menopause; eight of my reindeer are in heat; the elves have joined the Gay more...

If your child thinks he wants 'Murderous Bob, the Doll with
the Face you can Rip Right Off,' you'd better get it. You may
be worried that it might help to encourage your child's
antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen anti-
social tendencies until you've seen a child who is convinced
that he or she did not get the right gift. -Dave Barry
Sometimes people ask me: 'Dave, what is the essence of
parenthood?' I always answer: 'Lowering your standards.' -Dave Barry
It goes without saying that you should never have more
children than you have car windows. -Erma Bombeck
One of my more effective parental strategies is to make Lists of Rules to be Obeyed And I Really Mean it This Time, and post these articles on the refrigerator in the kitchen so my children will have a written record of what they are ignoring. -W. Bruce Cameron
A father is a man who expects his children to be as good as he meant to be.
-Carolyn more...

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance exam for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here, Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams Shore hope the test ain't too hard;life was a big enough test as it was."
Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have has only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God's first name?"
Forrest goes away to more...

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and more...