Twelve Jokes / Recent Jokes
A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
"Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman.
"Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.
"You're under 18," replies the barman.
Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.
I know. I know. I know that people say "It's the thought that counts, not the gift", but couldn't people think a little biger!
Santa Claus is a Jolly fellow! Imagine all that driving and still being able to say "Ho! Ho! Ho!
Father to three-year old: "No a reindeer is not a horse with TV antenna.
Every year, Christmas becomes less a birthday and more a Clearance Sale.
Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit cards, it's on my Visa Card Statement twelve months a year also.
Some of these new toys are so creative and inventive. This year they have a Neurotic Doll. It's wound up already.
I bought my friend some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift-wrap counter and told them to wrap it, but in different paper, so he'd know when to stop unwrapping.
When I was young we were poor. We didn't have a Christmas tree, we had a Christmas stump.
When more...
A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer."Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman."Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice."You're under 18," replies the barman.
A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"
At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.
Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.
A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"
On the first day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
a pheasant under glass beneath the tree.
On the second day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
two chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass beneath the tree.
On the third day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
three quarts milk
two chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass beneath the tree.
On the fourth day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
four strutting birds
three quarts milk
two chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass beneath the tree.
On the fifth day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
five litter pans
four strutting birds
three quarts milk
two chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass beneath the tree.
On the sixth day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
six cans of sardines
five litter pans
four strutting birds
three quarts milk
two chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass beneath the more...
NEWS FLASH NEWS FLASH... U.P... A.P... BBC... NBC... ETC...
About twelve midnight local time an old man in a red suit and a long white beard was arrested while trying to gain entrance into the white house. Due to all the recent incidents at the white house, security has been extra tight and despite the old mans protest that he was just trying to deliver some gifts, the secret service had him locked up by twelve ten pm.
When the president was contacted his only comment was it must have been Rush Limbaugh, since he knew everyone else in the country loved him.
The old mans transportation (a sleigh and eight animals) was taken to the FBI lab for a complete search.
When the whole incident was over, the president gave a sigh or relief and said MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL "is that okay Hill???"
Oh well a weak attempt at humor on a full stomach. Eat too much venison for Christmas Dinner. Hope you all have a real nice Christmas and a Happy New Year.