Twelve Jokes / Recent Jokes
John Harrison was despondent. He'd been married for ten years and had nothing to show for it but twelve children; he and his wife were obviously compatible, but that was not enough.
He found it impossible to get by on a single job, so he'd taken two; now the long hours were beginning to affect his health. Slowly he trudged down the basement steps.
"I can't support my family," he said to himself, though he'd said the same thing many times to his wife as well. "I'm no good to them and no good to myself."
He picked up a piece of clothes line, made a noose, and placed it around his neck. "They'd be better off if I were dead," he said.
He climbed up on a box, tossed the loose end of the rope over a pipe and tied it securely to the top of the washing machine.
"If I were dead, they'd at least have the insurance," he said. "My sweet wife has given me everything, and I've had nothing to give her more...
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance
2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated
3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French
4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications more...
A little woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, "Mount Sinai Hospital? Hello. Darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse, I want all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z."The voice on the other end of the line said, "Would you hold the line, please, that's a very unusual request."Finally a very authoritative voice came on and said, "Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?"She said, "Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."He said, "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber-Finkel. Oh yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, and if she continues this way, her doctor is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's more...
I was twelve before I realized I could cough without having a doctor hold my balls!
A guy walks into a bar and orders twelve shots of the best whiskey in the house. The bartender proceeds to fill twelve shot glasses and stares, puzzled, at the guy as he begins to drink them down, one by one. As the guy is finishing the eleventh shot, the bartender asks, "What's the occasion?"
The guy says,
"I'm celebrating my first blowjob!", as he finishes off the last shot.
"Well," says the bartender, "in that case, here have one on the house " and he fills another shot glass.
"No thanks," says the guy, "If twelve didn't get the taste out of my mouth, one more won't!"
Season's Greetings,
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received more...
How did the Jamaican super-stud make his penis twelve inches long?
He folded it in half