Uncle Jokes / Recent Jokes

Many, many years ago
When I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow
Who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a daughter
Who had gorgeous hair of red,
My father fell in love with her
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life,
For daughter was my mother
Since she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters more
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad,
And so became my uncle,
Though this made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother,
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son
Who kept them on the run,
And he became my grandson
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mom
And it surely makes me blue,
Because, although she is my more...

An Italian named Uncle Vito buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Italian baby boy weighing 25 pounds."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of, "WOW!" were heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Italian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father, Uncle Vito, answered, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned and asks, "Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth."
The Italian father, Uncle Vito, takes a slow swig from his scotch on the rocks, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans in to the bartender and proudly says, "We had his hair cut!"

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer
to tell a story.

Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto theroad."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story.

Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy more...

Newly assigned officers at Norfolk Naval Air Station here in Virginia are quite often "adopted" by a family. One such young officer, a Lt. Commander, became an 'Uncle' to the family's little 5 year old daughter.
One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday School. Aware of his rank and standing in the service, she beamed and said, "We learned all about the ten commanders, Uncle Joe. They're always broke!"

Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," Little Johnny said to his Uncle Rodney, the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best Christmas present I ever got." "That's great," said his Uncle Rodney. "Do you know how to play it?" "Oh, I don't play it," Little Johnny said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."

Newly assigned officers at Norfolk Naval Air Station here in Virginia are quite often "adopted" by a family. One such young officer, a Lt. Commander, became an 'Uncle' to the family's little 5 year old daughter.One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday School. Aware of his rank and standing in the service, she beamed and said, "We learned all about the ten commanders, Uncle Joe. They're always broke!"

Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.Cache - Needed when you go to da store.Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.Diskette - A female Disco dancer.Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.Rom - Where the pope more...