Uncle Jokes / Recent Jokes

Joe loved golf, but his eyesight had gotten so bad, that he couldn’t find his ball once he’d hit it. He consulted with his wife, and she recommended that Joe bring along her uncle Ted.
Joe said, “But Ted is 80 years old and half senile! ”
His wife replied, “Yes, but his eyesight is incredible. ”
Joe finally agreed and took Ted along. He teed off and could feel that he had hit it solidly. He asked Ted, “Do you see it? ”
Ted nodded his head and said, “Boy, that was a beautiful shot! ”
Joe excitedly asked, “Well, where did it land?! ”
Ted said, “Hmmm. I forget. ”

Dear
Redneck Son;
I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't
read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your
dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen
within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the
last Arkansas family that lived here took the house
numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have
to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing
machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last
week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't
seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice
last week; the first time for three days and the second
time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle
Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail
with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them
in the pockets.
John locked his keys in more...

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We
don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from home, so we
moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last
Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved
so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure
it works so well though. Last week I put a load in and pulled the
chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week, the first
time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it
would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut
them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it more...

My uncle Joe and his best buddy, Bubba, went hunting a couple of weeks ago. Somehow they got lost. Uncle Joe reassured his buddy, though. "Don't worry. All we have to do is shoot into the air three times, stay where we are, and someone will find us." They shot in the air three times, but no one came. After a while, they tried it again. Still no response. When they decided to try once more, Bubba said, "It better work this time. We're down to our last three arrows."

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions.After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!""Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I more...

My uncle had a rabbit's foot for thirty years. His other foot was quite normal.

Little Johnnie sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace".
Johnnie finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedtly:
"MOMMYMOMMY, IWAS ATTHEPLAYGROUNDANDDADDYAND.."
Mommy tells him to slow down, she wants to hear the story, so Johnny tells her; "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane layed down on the seat, then Daddy.."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnnie, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks more...