Union Jokes / Recent Jokes

THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS....THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON SHOULD HAVE GIVEN "Members of Congress...People of America....I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy, which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President. So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and more...

A union leader was addressing the workers at a union meeting…
"I am pleased to announce that we have agreed on a new deal with the management. We will no longer work four days a week."
"Hooray!" the crowd yelled.
"We will finish work at 4 PM, not 5 PM."
"Hooray!" the crowd yelled again.
We will start work at 10 AM, not 9 AM."
"Hooray!"
"We have a 110% pay increase."
"Hooray!"
"We will only work on Tuesdays."
Suddenly, the crowd fell silent, until a voice from the back asked, "Every Tuesday?"

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my
Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to
me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of
members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in
their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products
from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic more...

A union shop steward is addressing a union meeting...
" Comrades. We have agreed on a new deal with the management. We will no longer work four days a week."
" Hooray!" goes the crowd.
" We will finish work at 4 PM, not 5 PM."
" Hooray!" goes the crowd, again.
" We will start work at 10 AM, not 9 AM."
" Hooray!"
" We have a 150% pay rise."
" Hooray!"
" We will only work on Wednesdays."
Silence... then a voice from the back asks, " Every Wednesday?"

Finally, the game of golf is beginning to make sense:
These rules of golf are for good players whose scores would reflect their true ability, if only they got an even break once in awhile. They were adapted from those proposed by the Union Printers Golf Club in Baltimore and have some appealing provisions:
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably from more...

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival,
my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship
gave to me:
TWELVE
males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN
pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members
in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in
their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a
note),
TEN
melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
ruling class system leaping,
NINE
persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT
economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products
from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN
endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX
enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE
golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced more...

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in
Las Vegas and decided to check out the local
brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the
madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the madame.
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls
get?" he asked.
"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the
man stomped off down the street in search of a
more equitable shop.
At the second one, he asked the madame, "Is this
a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the madame.
"If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
he asked again.
"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."
Again offended, the man stomped off down the
street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued until he finally reached a
brothel where more...