Universe Jokes / Recent Jokes
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime. LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former. LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down. LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe. LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor. more...
No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and, eventually, a lifetime. Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former. Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down. No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe. The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instuctor. Every par-three hole in the world has a more...
"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." - Douglas Adams.
"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown." - Woody Allen.
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...." - Carl Zwanzig.
"Computer programming is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning."
- Rich Cook.
"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us." - Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes).
Sherlock Holmes and his companion Watson are chasing down a criminal and have come to a time in the chase in which it is too late to head back home and too late to keep traveling after him. Considering that they were in the middle of the woods, Holmes, being as smart as he was, figured that this would happen. He had brought along most of the materials that they would need to go camping.
They set up camp, putting up their tent, making a fire to cook and for the warmth. Soon, they thought it best to go to sleep. In the middle of the night, Holmes wakes up, and immediately wakes up Watson.
After Watson awoke he simply said, "Watson my friend, look up and tell me, what do you see?"
After looking up, Watson replies, "Stars, so many stars out there and so far apart that they truly show us how small and miniscule our planet is to the entire universe. Thus showing, that our planet is miniscule, that we are basically nothing. Truly the trifle things that we go more...
25 facts of life1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.6. A penny saved is worthless.7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.9. The one more...
A kid was sitting on the side of the road. He was hold a bottle when a priest came up to him and asked what he had.
The kid replied, "Turpentine - The most powerful thing in the universe." The priest looked in awe and said, "Son the most powerful thing in the universe is holy water, If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly she'll pass a baby boy."
The kid look up in bewilderment and said, "Shit, you rub this on a cat's ass and it will pass a motorcycle."