University Jokes / Recent Jokes

Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting Stupidity

2. You Too Can Do Housework

3. Resistance to Beer

4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray

5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)

6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4: 00am

7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don`t Wash My Silks")

9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook

10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong

11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right

12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

13. You, The Weaker Sex

14. Reasons To Give Flowers

15. Garbage - Getting It To The more...

"First and above all he was a logician. At least thirty-five years of the half-century or so of his existence had been devoted exclusively to proving that two and two always equal four, except in unusual cases, where they equal three or five, as the case may be." -- Jacques Futrelle, "The Problem of Cell 13"Most mathematicians are familiar with -- or have at least seen references in the literature to -- the equation 2 + 2 = 4. However, the less well known equation 2 + 2 = 5 also has a rich, complex history behind it. Like any other complex quantitiy, this history has a real part and an imaginary part; we shall deal exclusively with the latter here. Many cultures, in their early mathematical development, discovered the equation 2 + 2 = 5. For example, consider the Bolb tribe, descended from the Incas of South America. The Bolbs counted by tying knots in ropes. They quickly realized that when a 2-knot rope is put together with another 2-knot rope, a 5-knot rope more...

American University Grading Procedures Here is a list of the ways professors here at the AmericanUniversity grade their final exams:DEPT OF STATISTICS: - All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY: - Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, closethem and turn them in. The professor opens the books andassigns the first grade that comes to mind.DEPT OF HISTORY: - All students get the same grade they got last year.DEPT OF RELEGION: - Grade is determined by God.DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY: - What is a grade? LAW SCHOOL: - Students are asked to defend their position of why theyshould receive an A.DEPT OF MATHEMATICS: - Grades are variable.DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE: - If and only if the student is present for the final andthe student has accumulated a passing grade then the studentwill receive an A else the student will not receive an A.MUSIC DEPARTMENT: - Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - more...

"Anyway, I`m so thankful, and so gracious - I`m gracious that my brother Jeb is concerned about the hemisphere as well." -George W. Bush, June 4, 2001 "It`s important for young men and women who look at the Nebraska champs to understand that quality of life is more than just blocking shots." -George W. Bush, in remarks to the University of Nebraska women`s volleyball team, the 2001 national champions, May 31, 2001 "So on behalf of a well-oiled unit of people who came together to serve something greater than themselves, congratulations." -George W. Bush, in remarks to the University of Nebraska women`s volleyball team, the 2001 national champions, May 31, 2001 "If a person doesn`t have the capacity that we all want that person to have, I suspect hope is in the far distant future, if at all." -George W. Bush, May 22, 2001"For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It`s more...

Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving." New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."
Neighbor 1: "So, what is it you do for a living?" New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning."
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what's that?" New Neighbor: "Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog." Neighbor 1: "That's right."
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family." Neighbor 1: "Right again."
New Neighbor: "Since you have a famly, I deduce that you have a wife." Neighbor 1: "Correct."
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual." Neighbor 1: "Yup." New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning." more...

Three British educational institutions were commissioned by the
government to discover why the human penis is the shaped the way
it is.
Oxford University allocated a budget of $500, 000 for research.
After 2 years they concluded that the reason the head of the
penis is wider than the shaft is that it fits better, when in
situ, so to speak. This would prevent leakage of semen and
increase the probability of successful fertilization.
Cambridge University spent $750, 000 on a research program that
lasted 3 years. The results showed that the penis widened near
the tip because it maximized the number of nerve endings
stimulated during sex. This would lead to increased sensitivity
and a better chance of impregnation.
Finally, the Open University spent $2. 50 on a copy of Playboy and
10 minutes in the staff toilet, only to discover that the penis
widens at the tip in order to prevent your hand from slipping more...

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations. At my University's Student center Bathrooms: "If you see four feet instead of two under the bathroom door, please notify it immediately to the University Police." In the hallway of a High School in New Jersey "Our School: Commitment, Responsibility, Attitude, Persistance." Road sign in Roosevelt, Utah: "Rest Area Next Right" - the next right leads a person right into to a cemetery. A sign in the local opportunity shop says, "If your going to steal, then smile for the camera." While stopped at an intersection I noticed a man standing on the corner in front of a Burger King. He was holding a ign that read "Will work for food." If he had only looked up, he would have noticed that the Burger King sign directly a bove him read "Now hiring." At an office: "This job is only a test had it been an actual job, you would have recieved raises, bonses and more...