University Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Louisville. They did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, and labs, and had a solid "A" going into the final. They were so confident that the weekend before finals (the chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to the University of Kentucky and party with some friends.

They had a great time, however, they overslept on Sunday and didn't make it back to Louisville until early Monday morning. Rather than take the final then, they found their professor after the final and explained to him why they missed it.

They told him that they went up to the University of Kentucky for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back. They didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time and that's why they were late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final the following more...

Q: How many Princeton students does it take to screw in a lightblub?
A: Sigh. The Alumni pay people to do things like that for us.

Note: Princeton has a reputation for being wealthier than the other seven.

Q: How many Princeton students does it take to screw in a lightblub?
A: I don't know, let me call my maid.

Note: Princeton has a reputation for being wealthier than the other seven.

Q: How many Indiana University "notes" users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them, since changing light bulbs is the only kind of job they can get after they graduate.

Note: Not meant to offend students at the Indiana University.

Q: How many Indiana University "notes" users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Have you ever wondered why it's so dark in Bloomington?

Q: How many Japanese industrialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three--one to make sure the more...

The Blondes at the university were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbos. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged.

So they pressured the administration to set up a new Department especially for them. The university agreed, and set up the Blonde Education Department.

The Blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now.

They wanted other students to see that they weren't just stupid bimbos -- after all, they now had their own department at the university.

So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department which sports the saying: "I Belong in B. E. D."

These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye."New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too." Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in more...

A vice-chancellor died and was received at the gates of paradise for questioning before his fate could be decided.' What were you doing when living?', asked Dharamraj.
'I was vice-chancellor of a university.'
'That's okay. You've suffered the pangs of hell on earth and deserve a break in paradise.'
The next arrival was put through the same questioning.' I was vice-chancellor of a university for three successive terms,' he replied.
'Put him in hell,' ordered Dharamraj.' He's got into the habit.'

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what... is it good for?"
- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
- Bill Gates, 1981
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of more...

Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving." New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly." Neighbor 1: "So, what is it you do for a living?" New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning." Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what's that?" New Neighbor: "Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog." Neighbor 1: "That's right." New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family." Neighbor 1: "Right again." New Neighbor: "Since you have a famly, I deduce that you have a wife." Neighbor 1: "Correct." New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual." Neighbor 1: "Yup." New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning." Neighbor 1: more...