Unto Jokes / Recent Jokes

Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -NormaDear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? -JaneDear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -NanDear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -NeilDear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -JaneDear God, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother! -DarlaDear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -JoyceDear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend. (But I am not going to tell you who I am)Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L. Dear GOD, Please more...

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first
Christmas, when the Three Wise Men went to see the baby Jesus and,
according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold,
frankincense, and myrrh".

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we
discover an important theological fact; there is no mention of
wrapping paper.

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so.

"And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the
paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And
Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him,
she saideth, "Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next
year! And Joseph did rolleth his eyes. And the baby Jesus was
more interested in the paper than, for example, the frankincense."

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that more...

A nun asked her class to write notes to God. Here are some of the notes the children handed in: Dear God: I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool. Dear God: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have? Dear God: Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other so much if they had their own rooms. That's what my Mom did for me and my brother. Dear God: If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. Dear God: I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I'm having a hard time loving all of them. Dear God: In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You're on vacation? Dear God: Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? Dear God: Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? Dear God: Did You mean for the Giraffe to look like that more...

In the beginning was the plan

And then came the assumptions And the assumptions were without form And the plan was completely without substance. And the darkness came upon the face of the workers, And they spoke amongst themselves, saying: "It is a crock of shit and it stinketh."

And the workers went unto their supervisors and sayeth: It is a pail of dung and none can abide the odor thereof."

And the supervisors went unto their managers, and sayeth unto them: "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, Such that none can abide it."

And the managers went unto the directors and sayeth: "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none can abide its strength."

And the directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another: "It contains that which aids plant growth, and is very strong."

And the directors went unto the vice presidents, and sayeth to them: "It promotes more...

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the more...

In The Beginning was The Plan. And then came the Assumptions And the Assumptions were without formAnd the Plan was completely without substance and the darkness wasupon the face of the workers and they spoke among themselves, saying... "It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh." And the workers went unto their Supervisors andsayeth, "It is a pile of dung and none may abide the odor thereof." And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them,"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such thatnone may abide by it." And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth, "It is avessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength." And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another,"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong." And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth untothem, "It promotes growth and is very powerful." And the Vice Presidents went more...

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first
Christmas, when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb,
went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew,
"presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we
discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact
there is no mention of wrapping paper.

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so "And
lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the
paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And
Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him,
she saideth,' Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next
year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was
more interested in the paper than the frankincense."

But these words do not appear in the more...