Upset Jokes / Recent Jokes

I need = I want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...
I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really more...

There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this unusual handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears. Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was, Do you notice anything unusual about me? The guy s aid, Now that you mention it, you have no ears. The man got really upset and threw the guy out. The second interview more...

There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.
Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.
The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really more...

The FEMALE always makes the rules.
The RULES are subject to change at any time without prior notification... by the FEMALE.
No MALE can possibly know all the RULES.
If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all the RULES, she must immediately change some or all of them.
The FEMALE is never wrong.
If the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong.
The MALE must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstandings.
The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.
The MALE must never change his mind without the express written consent of the FEMALE.
The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry or upset.
The FEMALE must, under no circumstances, let the MALE know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
The Male is expected to "mind read" at all more...

Drinking around the Christmas tree at the Christmas party rush,
Faces are hung o'er the balcony, everybody is a lush.

Drinking around the Christmas tree, let the Christmas drunkards
through,
Later we'll do some vomiting, and our arms will hug the loo.

You will get an upset stomach feeling when you taste
Vodka through your nose, oh golly,
Deck the halls with boughs of holly.

Drinking around the Christmas tree, your hangover's on its way,
Everybody's wearing ice pack hats in the new old-fashioned way.

(drunken sax solo.)

You will get an upset stomach feeling when you taste
Vodka through your nose, oh golly,
Deck the halls with boughs of holly.

Drinking around the Christmas tree, your hangover's on its way,
Everybody's wearing ice pack hats in the new old-fashioned way.

Wifespeak/Translation You want: You wantWe need: I wantIt's your decision: The correct decision should be obvious by nowDo what you want: You'll pay for this laterWe need to talk: I need to complainSure... go ahead: I don't want you to. I'm not upset: Of course I'm upset, you moron. You're so manly: You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You're certainly attentive tonight: Is sex all you ever think about? I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting!: I'm on my period. Be romantic, turn out the lights.: I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient: I want a new house. I want new curtains: and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper.... I need wedding shoes: the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of whiteHang the picture there: No, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise: I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me?: I'm going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me?: I did something today you're really not going to like. I'll be ready in a minute: Kick off your more...

What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elkaseltzer.