Usually Jokes / Recent Jokes
MICROSOFT NEWS RELEASE:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Georgia edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Georgia. If you have one of the Georgia editions you may need some help understanding thecommands.The Georgia edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with abackground picture of the General Lee super imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shippedwith a Daisy Duke screen saver.Also note: Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive
Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.Other features: Instead of an error message you geta winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape. OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over more...
A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we`re about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn`t like to bet, but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they`re walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80. 00, he confesses that he`s the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers. The first fellow reveals that he`s the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The pro says, more...
A sweater is usually put on a child when the parent feels chilly.
Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair,
soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar
principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in
their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward
motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's
surcease.
Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of
directed-pressure explosions more...
Men are like department stores...
their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like computers...
hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers...
load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like chocolate bars...
sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like coffee...
the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like horoscopes...
they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like plungers...
they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the crap out of you.
What are the two reasons men don't mind their own business?
No mind - no business
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are taken and what's left is handicapped.
Why is it hard for more...
What usually comes after the monster lights the birthday candles? The fire department.
A fool and his money are asked to go everywhere! A fool and his money are soon elected. A fool and his money are soon popular. A fool and his money is my kind of customer! If money's the root of all evil, why do churches want it? All I ask is to prove that money can't make me happy. Come to Florida, bring money, BUT GET THE HECK OFF OUR BEACH! Even the blind can see money. Expert - Someone who knows less, but makes more money. It's not the money I want, it's the stuff. Life is a game. Money is how we keep score. Money burns a hole in my pocket... how about yours? Money is like an arm or leg, use it or lose it. Money is the root of all bills. Money may buy "friendship," but it cannot buy love. Money Talks - and it usually says NO!! Never forget a friend, especially if he owes you money. Political Motto: I had some morals; sold them for money. This country has the best politicians money can buy. Time and Money. Two things we don't have enough of.... Turbo-Tax took money out of more...