Vacation Jokes / Recent Jokes

In case any of you are still thinking about picking a vacation spot, be aware of the following advertising lingo...

Old world charm. ......... No bath

Tropical. ................ Rainy

Majestic setting. ........ A long way from town

Options galore. .......... Nothing is included in the itinerary

Secluded hideaway. ....... Impossible to find or get to

Pre-registered rooms. .... Already occupied

Explore on your own. ..... Pay for it yourself

No extra fees. ........... No extras

Nominal fee. ............. Outrageous charge

Standard.................. Sub-standard

Deluxe. .................. Standard

Superior. ................ One free shower cap

All the amenities. ....... Two free shower caps

Plush. ................... Top and bottom sheets

Gentle breezes. .......... Occasional Gale-force winds

Light and more...

A Jewish man and his wife were planning a vacation. They ended up in an argument, though...
"It's 'Hawaii' I'm telling you!" she said.
"Oy! I never KNEW someone so stubborn! 'Havaii' is how it's pronounced!" he replied. And so it went all the way to the vacation...
As they got off the airplane, they passed by a man. The husband abruptly stopped the wife and turned to the man to ask, "Now that we're on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and I. Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'"
"This is Havaii," the man replied.
"Ha!" the husband said, turning to his wife, "See, didn't I tell you never to argue with me? I'm alllll-ways right!"
As the began to walk away, he turned back and gave the man a hearty "Thank you!"
"You're Velcome!!!"

Amsterdam (AP/UPI) - While the Lewinsky scandal continues to rage on the front of American newspapers, a much different reaction has developed on this side of the Atlantic. To world-wise, sophisticated Europeans, the spectacle is a curious sideshow and another reason to mock and disdain the puritan morals of their American counterparts.
"You feelthy Americans, you make me seek," says sneering French graduate student Serge Tati, 47, expressing a common sentiment. Fashionably clad in a horizontal stripe t-shirt and skin-tight Speedo, he was recently relaxing on the Lido with his mistress Yvette LaFleur, 43. Like thousands of fellow French graduate students, he was enjoying his annual 28-week vacation.
"Beel Clinton, he is Euro, no. He eez moderne, he eez now. He has joie de vivre. He ravages zee young geerls. In my country, we geeve heem a medal, no?" asks Tati, deeply drawing on a clove cigarette.
"Oui, like Jerry Lewees," adds the topless more...

A Jewish man and his wife were planning a vacation. They ended up in an argument, though...
"It's 'Hawaii' I'm telling you!" she said.
"Oy! I never KNEW someone so stubborn! 'Havaii' is how it's pronounced!" he replied. And so it went all the way to the vacation...
As they got off the airplane, they passed by a man. The husband abruptly stopped the wife and turned to the man to ask, "Now that we're on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and I. Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'"
"This is Havaii," the man replied.
"Ha!" the husband said, turning to his wife, "See, didn't I tell you never to argue with me? I'm alllll-ways right!" As the began to walk away, he turned back and gave the man a hearty "Thank you!"
"You're Velcome!!!"

Which Are The Two Countries Malika Sherawat Would Like To Go On A Vacation?
Bra'zil And Thai'land. ..

My worst day of vacation has always been better than my best day at work.

This is how you know if you are addicted to the internet:
1) You kiss you girlfriend's home page.
2.) Your bookmarks list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
3.) Your eyeglasses have a web site burned into them.
4.) You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to Google.
5.) You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
6.) You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.
7.) You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your kid in the overhead compartment.
8.) Your dreams are in HTML.
9.) You find yourself typing ".com" after every period when using a word processor.
10.) You turn your computer off and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug of your loved one.
11.) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
12.) You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au"
13.) more...