Valentine Jokes / Recent Jokes

Redneck's Ode to a ValentineKudzu is green. My Dog's name is Blue. And I'm so danged lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk, A-flappin' in the breeze. Softer than Blue's And without all them fleas. You move like the bass which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales But I luv you anyway. Yo're as graceful as okry jist a-dancin' in the pan. Yore as fragrant as Mountain Dew Right out of the can. You have all yore teeth For which I am proud. I hold my head high When we's in a crowd. On special occasions, When you shave yore armpits, Well I'm in hawg heaven. I'm plumb out of my wits. And speakin' of wits, You got plenty fer shore. 'Cuz you are my woman. I can't ask fer more. Like a good roll of Duct Tape Yo're there for yore man To patch up life's toubles And stick 'em in the can. Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler Racin' through the mud. Yet fragile as that singer Named Naomi Judd. Yo're as cute as a Junebug A-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like no far ant On more...

A Redneck Valentine...author unknown
Collards is green my dog's name is Blue and he's all I know of that's purdier than you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.
You have som'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like them far ants I found in my bed. Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel more...

A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day! What do you think it means?"
With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight."
That evening, the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled, "The Meaning of Dreams."

Here's the transcript of my recent communication to Bigelow, inspired by a
sampling of their atrocious "I Love Lemon Herb Tea."
Dear Sirs,
I am writing to complain about the performance of one of your products, to
wit: Bigelow I Love Lemon Herb Tea. Having recently sampled said item in a
culinary context, I am convinced that it is the most unappealing, tasteless, and
unprofessional tea I have ever encountered.
Each teabag is enveloped in a package that reads "A year-round valentine
for everyone who really loves lemon." Well, I happen to be an ardent
enthusiast for that particular flavor, and I can assure you that this alleged
tea tastes less like lemon than most electric home appliances. The only way
this substance could be considered a "year-round valentine" is by taking the
meaning of "valentine" as "a heart," which, if left out in the open for a
year, would be encrusted with more...

The folks at American Greetings have compiled a list of lines to use when signing you valentine... depending on your personality:
Bold - face it, you want me
Clever - IOUXOXO
Cosmic - Didn't we know each other in another time and place?
Dreamy - I never believed in love at first sight until you
Enchantress - A valentine spell has been cast on you!
Femme Fatale - You cannot escape. I have ways to make you mine.
Athletic - How about a little one-on-one?
Musical - Always a love song in my heart for you.
No-nonsense - What are you waiting for?
Old fashioned - My mother warned me about guys/girls like you.
Sarcastic - Hey! I signed the card. What else do you want?
Scientific - The chemistry between us is definitely affirmative.
Self-assured - Be my valentine. "NO" is not an option.
Silly - You're hotter than a jalapeno sandwich!
Wild Child - You are twisted and slightly dangerous. I like that in a person.
Worldly - more...

Valentine's Day is coming up, and some of you may have
difficulty in composing a properly passionate Valentine's Day
Greeting to your sweet-patootie. Here is a suggested form:
Date:(enter appropriate date here like February 14 or 13)
To:(enter appropriate name here
CAUTION: don't put more than one per memo, and be careful to send to correct person)
From:(enter your name or pet-name
CAUTION: use the right pet-name...)
Subject:Valentine
It has been brought to my attention that I would be remiss in
my duties were I not to comment upon your performance as
Executive Valentine. Your performance in this capacity during
the past fiscal year has been more than adequate - nay,
commendable.
Further, let me advise you that my Passionate Regard for you
remains unchanged since my previous statements upon this subject
and may be assumed to remain unchanged unless you receive
specific contrary notification in writing.
Please do more...

Few things piss me off more than being forced to sit through some whiny-sounding crybaby shitbag from the suburbs with a moth-eaten thrift store wardrobe who knows a few chords on a guitar and thinks his histrionic emotions are important and relevant enough to occupy 45 minutes of stage time.
The song subjects never change, do they? It's always the same shit, the same re-hashed, contrived, stale tripe about climbing metaphorical mountains, chasing that elusive star in the sky and hoping to find that one true love that God placed in the universe especially for you. At least once in every song, make sure to rhyme the following word combinations - Why/Try, Love/Above, Star/Are, and You/True. Throw in a couple bridges with three straight minutes of drawn-out "Ooooohs" and "Ahhhhhhs" and "Oh yeahs", another two minutes of pointless masturbatory guitar-wanking filler, and make sure to close your eyes and tilt your head back in mid-song, as if you're somehow more...