Vegas Jokes / Recent Jokes
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his roundtrip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabbie said (adopt appropriate accent), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch hike to the airport and barely caught his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to more...
Breaking News... Britney Spears has married OJ Simpson. Commenting on the wedding, Britney thinks the stability of being married again will help influence the judges decision to prove once and for all she is serious about raising her kids in a stable environment. OJ had no comment on the wedding, but smiled and said "What goes on in Vegas stays in Vegas".
Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.
The first guy says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers,' 7 come 11' all night and I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
The second guy says, "I know what you mean. My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers,' Hit me light or hit me hard!' and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"
The third guy says, "You guys think you have it bad! My wife played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine in a Las Vegas casino, puts in a few coins, and out pops a Coke. She puts some more coins into the machine, and another can of coke pops out. She keeps putting in coins, and cans of coke keep coming out. A guy walks up behind her and says, "Can I please use the machine?"
The Blonde replied, "SCRAM! Can't you see I'm winning?"
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for a weekend to gamble. He lostthe shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip air ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised tosend the driver money from home, offering his credit card numbers, his driver's license number and his address but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have $15, get the hell out of my cab."So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regainhis financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of thecasino to get a cab back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of more...
The Chamber of Commerce from each state has a slogan to get you to visit their city.
Las Vegas, NV: What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
Hershey, PA: The sweetest place on earth.
Palm Springs, CA: Give in to the desert, you're surrounded.
And then there are some we don't hear about.
New York City: The smelliest place on earth
Los Angeles, CA: Give in to the gangmembers, you're surrounded.
Maine: What happens in Maine... Who cares? It's f**king boring as hell here.
President Bush said clients shouldn't be concerned by
all these bank closings. If the bank is closed, you just use the ATM, he said.
George Bush said that he is saddened to hear about the demise of Lehman brothers. His thoughts at this time go out to their mother as losing one son is hard but losing two is a tragedy.
The problem with investment bank balance sheets is that on the left side nothing is right and on the right side nothing is left.
There are 30 billion prime numbers below 700 billion. The rest are all subprime.
How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.
What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
Why are all MBAs going back to school? To ask for their money back.
For Geography students: What's the capital of Iceland?
Answer: About Three Pounds Fifty...
If you want to gamble, go to Las Vegas. If you want to trade in more...