Vending Jokes

Angie and John were in court after deciding their divorce when the problem of 'who gets to keep the kid' started to arise. Angie exclaimed that the child was hers since she could take care of the kid better than her 'wretched' husband.
But the judge wanted to hear John's reason of why he should keep the baby. After thinking for sometime, John said, "Your honor, let me ask you a question: if you put a dollar inside a vending machine and a coke comes out, does this coke belong to you or does it belong to the vending machine?"

This isn't mine, I heard it on the radio this morning.
Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks
down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to
use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts
talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another
and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes
its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you
got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds
to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.
"Where the hell have you been?!?!"
"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they
were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this
great looking chick there and we had a few drinks more...

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a vending machine? A: Nothing... you get what you paid for.

45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
Portsmouth, R.I. Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he (1) fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and (2) later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.
Karen Lee Joachimmi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chain saw, which was not plugged in.
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he more...

A blonde was standing in front of a vending machine. She put in a dollar, pushed a button and a coke came out. She put in another dollar, pushed a different button and an iced tea came out. The blonde kept doing this, until the man behind her became impatient. "Excuse me, can I just get a drink, THEN you can continue whatever you're doing???" "No way!" exclaimed the blonde. "I'm not giving up this machine when I'm winning!"