Vending Jokes / Recent Jokes

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"
"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see more...

A blonde is at a local zoo and comes across a vending machine, which she has never seen before. She sees the slot for money, gets money out of her purse, puts 65 cents into the machine, and pushes a letter and a number.
She is mesmerized by the coils turning just enough to let out the candy.
She does this many more times. After a little while, a man comes up behind her and says, "Miss, could you please move? I would like to get some candy."
She replies, "Excuse me?! Can't you see I'm winning here?!?!"

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me.
Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.

"Where the hell have you been?!"
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with more...

a couple is in anhotel having sexthe women tells her husband to go out and
get her some chocalate. He says let me put on my clothes. She says no that will
take to long, its dark nobodys out there. So he runs outside past the church to
the vending machines. When he comes back he sees nuns coming so he jumps in the
bushes. The nuns come up and the first one says look it must be the new vending
machine. So she pulls on his peter and he drops a candybar. This repeats with
the other two nuns. The last nun pulls his peter and runs to the other nuns
screaming "LADIES LOOK I'VE GOT HANDLOTION!!!!!'HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

A blonde is at a local zoo and comes across a vending machine, which she has never seen before. She sees the slot for money, gets money out of her purse, puts 65 cents into the machine, and pushes a letter and a number.She is mesmerized by the coils turning just enough to let out the candy.She does this many more times. After a little while, a man comes up behind her and says, "Miss, could you please move? I would like to get some candy."She replies, "Excuse me?! Can't you see I'm winning here?!?!"

After many unhappy replies from our current vending service we decided that what they really needed was a different form letter that was more closely tied to their true feeling:
ABC Vending Service
Thank you for your (inquiry / comments / complaints) about our vending service.
We are aware that machine
has not been stocked in days.
We are waiting for the weekend.
We are out of items that have expired.
We're busy, don't bother us about this.
We don't care.
We are aware that the price for
seems high at $ but,
we have to make a living.
we use an algorithm 3*retail+yourage.
we charge others more.
we adjust it to allow for spoilage.
We are aware that
the sodas are warm
the milk is curdled
sandwiches are stale
gum is hard
candy bars are petrified
and assure you that that is
the way it is supposed to be, really.
We understand that
the bill changer can't,
coin return more...

A man whose son was crushed to death by a soda vending machine has filed a $500,000 wrongful-death lawsuit against the company that manufactured the machine. The 27-year-old man apparently rocked the machine, which fell, pinning him against a wall and crushing his chest.
The father decided to sue after learning that his son's death was not an isolated incident. "The penalty for jiggling a machine to get a quarter out or a free Coke shouldn't be death," said the man's lawyer. The US Consumer Product Safety Commission found that between 1978 and 1995, at least 37 deaths and 113 injuries resulted from falling vending machines, which can weigh 1,000 pounds.