Vending Jokes / Recent Jokes

Angie and John were in court after deciding their divorce when the problem of 'who gets to keep the kid' started to arise. Angie exclaimed that the child was hers since she could take care of the kid better than her 'wretched' husband.
But the judge wanted to hear John's reason of why he should keep the baby. After thinking for sometime, John said, "Your honor, let me ask you a question: if you put a dollar inside a vending machine and a coke comes out, does this coke belong to you or does it belong to the vending machine?"

This isn't mine, I heard it on the radio this morning.
Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks
down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to
use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts
talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another
and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes
its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you
got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds
to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.
"Where the hell have you been?!?!"
"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they
were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this
great looking chick there and we had a few drinks more...

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a vending machine? A: Nothing... you get what you paid for.

Man`s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some
cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to
find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use
the vending machine.
At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts
talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one
thing leads to another and they end up in her
apartment.
After they`ve had their fun, he realizes its 3AM
and says, "Oh no, its so late,
my wife`s going to kill me.
Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some
talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands
and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she
is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"
"Well, honey, its like this.
I went to the store like you asked, but they
were closed. So I went to the bar to use the
vending machine. I saw this great looking chick
there and we had a few drinks and more...

After many unhappy replies from our current
vending service we decided that what they
really needed was a different form letter
that was more closely tied to their true
feeling:
BFD Vending Service
Thank you for your inquiry/comments/complaints
about our vending serve
-We are aware that your machine as not been stocked in 50 days.
-We are waiting for the weekend.
-We are out of items that have expired.
-We're busy, don't bother us about this.
-We don't care.
-We are aware that the price for you
seems high at $10,000.000, but we have to make a living.
-We use an algorithm 50% retail for people your age.
-We charge others more.
-We adjust it to allow for spoilage. We are aware that the sodas are warm, the milk is curdled, sandwiches are stale, gum is hard, candy bars are petrified and assure you that that is the way it is supposed to be, really!
-We understand that the bill changer can't, coin return won't, product more...