Verse Jokes / Recent Jokes

Home on the Web
(to the tune of "Home on the Range")
VERSE: Oh give me a site where the links all work right - one that doesn't take too long to load - where the text can be seen on my 13-inch screen - one that offers a "no-Java" mode.
REFRAIN: Home, home on the Web on my 486 IBM. Please take pity on me - I'm still on Netscape 3 with a 14.4-speed modem!
VERSE: Though your video files give your pages some style I can't read them upon my PC; Massive graphics and sound crash my system, I've found, so please put in some "alt" tags for me!
REFRAIN: Home, home on the Web on my 486 IBM Please take pity on me - I'm still on Netscape 3 with a 14.4-speed modem!
VERSE: Please don't ask me to "chat" with your favorite cat; I don't have an IRC code. And don't ask me to buy games for Win 95 - My PC is way too darn old!
REFRAIN: Home, home on the Web on my 486 IBM Please take pity on me - I'm still on Netscape 3 with a 14.4-speed more...

It was a verse published in the Sunday Times (London) in 1978. Readers may find it amusing.
Minister of Drought
Began to go about
Extolling every means of saving water;
To husband what we had
A garden rose was bad,
Or flushing lavatories when we didn't oughter.
"Let every flower die!"
Became his battle cry.
"Thrice use your washing water and suds."
He kept this up for weeks
Although a lot of Sikhs
Prayed for rain precipitating floods.

One Sunday afternoon, shortly after they had moved to Texas, an English professor and his son decided to take a walk through the park. During their walk, the boy saw two cowboys go by.
"Hey, Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!" the son yelled.
The father was shocked by this and told his son that that wasn't very nice language to use.
A few minutes later, two more cowboys walked by and again the boy shouted, "Hey, Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!"
Now, quite upset, the father turned to his son and said, "I told you not to say that. I don't ever want to hear it again!"
A few more minutes passed and two more cowboys walked by. Again, the boy yelled, "Hey, Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!"
"That's it!" the father yelled. He took his son home and sent him to his room with the complete works of Shakespeare.
Two weeks later, the father allowed his son to come out of his room and noticed that the more...

Doesn't know key to songs-$10
Doesn't know when to come in-$15
Modulates without informing band-$20
Continues singing in old key after song modulates-$30
Forgets original singer of song-$10
Dances great but sings off key and out of time-$30
Gets off key singing acapella-$200
Stands onstage but doesn't sing harmonies-$30
Sings bad harmonies-$35
Sings harmonies already contributed by band member in song-$40
Stops song halfway through and starts over-$25
Forgets to sing bridge-$20
Forgets words-$20
Sings verses out of order in song-$15
Makes up 4th verse to 3 verse song-$100
Holds words to song while singing onstage-$20
Looks at pager while singing song-$10
Sings consistently flat-$25
Sings consistently sharp-$25
Sings too softly-$5
Just plain ol' CANNOT SING, but buys band a round of drinks - No Charge
Sings "Stand By Your Man" in the key of A-$30
Wants to sing more...

A dentist friend's mother is a devout Christian. He had just opened his dental practice, and was dismayed when his mother told him she was embroidering a Bible verse to hang on the wall of his waiting room.

'Mum, you just don't put Bible Verses in dentists' clinics,' he groaned.

His mother assured him that he would like it. He did.

The verse his mother had chosen was Psalm 81: 10:' .... Open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.'