Vice Jokes / Recent Jokes

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation`s history. I mean in this century`s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn`t live in this century."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95

"It isn`t pollution that`s harming the environment. It`s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"[It`s] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"We`re all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may more...

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."

-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/996

"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."

-- Vice President Al Gore

"What a waste it more...

Jim was so excited about being promoted to Vice President of the company he worked for, he continually bragged about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally, she got to the point where she couldn't stand it any longer. "Jim, that promotion means absolutely nothing. Heck, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"
"They do?" he said. Not sure if he should believe her or not, he decided to call the grocery store himself and check it out.
When a clerk answered the phone, Jim said, "Yes, I'd like to speak with the Vice President of peas, please."
"Sir, would that be frozen or canned?" asked the clerk.

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a Vice President of peas at the grocery store!"
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"
The clerk replies "Canned or frozen?"

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!". "Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store. A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?" The clerk replies "Canned or frozen?"

Bush and His Running Mate

Now that it seems almost a certainty that George W. Bush will become the Republican nominee for President, attention will soon focus upon whom Governor Bush will pick for his Vice Presidential running mate. It is rumored that one of the names on the `short list` currently being floated in upper level Republican circles is former Vice President, Dan Quayle.

For many, there seems to be some very sound reasoning for picking Quayle. As was pointed out by one senior official who wished not be identified, Quayle "already knows how to do the job, will contribute gaffes that will deflect attention away from Bush`s own, and in a cost saving side benefit will help the party minimize printing costs for new `Bush-Quayle` posters and bumper stickers (since they can use the leftovers from the 1988 and 1992 campaigns).

Apparently, part of the overall strategy is the targeting of a key demographic group that has been virtually ignored in more...

“The New York Times says Ralph Nader is thinking of running for president again. We couldn’t be more excited. … Nader says he rejects the term spoiler. It’s a lot better than loser. ” –Jay Leno
“They’re getting ready to unveil President Bush’s presidential library. The committee in charge of President Bush’s presidential library said they want the building to reflect the spirit of the Bush presidency. So they said, ‘In other words, we’re just gonna build some stuff and see what happens. ’” –Conan O’Brien
“You remember Dick Cheney, he’s the vice president of the United States. He shot an old man in the face and didn’t tell anybody. Eventually, the news got out. Turned out the old man was fine. It was a hilarious story, and the old man ended up doing the right thing [on screen: atty Harry Whittington apologizing to Cheney’s family for the amount of media coverage]. At the time we all thought, ‘My God, how do you shoot an old man in the more...