Virus Jokes / Recent Jokes

If you receive an email entitled "Bad times," delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 900 numbers.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE MAN, ARE YOU LISTENING?!!!
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is more...

John Bobbit Virus-
Removes a vital part of your hard disk and then re-attaches it. (But it will never work again.)
•Oprah Winfrey Virus-
Your 850 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 200 MB, and then slowly expands back to 850 MB.
•Politically Correct Virus-
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".
•Right to Life Virus-
Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
•Government Economist Virus-
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
•Federal Bureaucrat Virus-
Divides your hard disk into thousands of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
•AT&T Virus-
Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are more...

If you receive an email entitled "Crazy Times" delete it immediately. Do not open it! Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
1) It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
2) It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
3) It reprograms your ATM access code, messes up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
4) It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
5) It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.
6) This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
7) It will drink all your beer.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
9) Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your more...

John Bobbit Virus-Removes a vital part of your hard disk and then re-attaches it. (But it will never work again.)
Oprah Winfrey Virus-Your 850 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 200 MB, and then slowly expands back to 850 MB.
Politically Correct Virus-Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".
Right to Life Virus-Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
Government Economist Virus-Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Federal Bureaucrat Virus-Divides your hard disk into thousands of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
AT&T Virus-Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI Virus- Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you are more...

The night before Y2K
'Twas the night before Y2K,
And all through the nation
We awaited The Bug,
The Millennium sensation.
The chips were replaced
In computers with care,
In hopes that ol' Buggy
Wouldn't stop there.
While some folks could think
They were snug in their beds
Others had visions
Of dread in their heads.
And Ma with her PC,
And I with my Mac
Had just logged on the Net
And kicked back with a snack.
When over the server,
There arose such a clatter
I called Mister Gates
To see what was the matter.
But he was away,
So I flew like a flash
Off to my bank
To withdraw all my cash.
When what with my wandering eyes
Should I see?
My good old Mac
Looked sick to me.
The hack of all hackers
Was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be
The Y2K Bug!
His image downloaded
In no time at all,
He whistled and shouted,
Let all systems fall!
Go Intel! more...

The Republican National Committee has voted to recognize the H1N1 virus as the French Flu.
The Democratic National Committee has voted to recognize the H1N1 virus as the Bush Flu.

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, Windows does that, too.Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.So Windows is not a virus.It's a bug.