Vito Jokes

One day Vito The Gat goes to his 14 year old son and says, "Today is the day that you get your first pistola!"
The boy replies, "But I don't want a gun. I want a golden watch!"
Vito looks strangely at his son and says, "Wadda you want wit a watch?" Before the son can answer that he says, "Picture this, you come home from a job and you find your wife in bed wit your best friend, Mario. What say then?"
The son replies, "Time's up, Mario!"

Once upon a time, there were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Italian (Vito) and the other was Russian (Vladamir). Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladamir had no success.
Vladamir: "Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?"
Vito: "Well, I'll tell ya! But it's a secret. . just between you and me. I don't want my system to become too public."
Vladamir: "OK. Its a deal."
Vito: "You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedos. When the women see it they come running from miles around."
Vladamir: "That's it? I can do that."
The next day, Vladamir went over to the produce stand and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedos.
As he walked out onto more...

An Italian named Uncle Vito buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Italian baby boy weighing 25 pounds." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of, "WOW!" were heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Italian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?" The proud father, Uncle Vito, answered, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled and concerned and asks, "Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth." The Italian father, Uncle Vito, takes a slow swig from his scotch on the rocks, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans in to the bartender and proudly says, "We had his hair cut!"

Vito and VladimirThere were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Italian (Vito) and the other was Russian (Vladimir). Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladimir had no success. Vladimir: "Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?" Vito: "Well, I'll tell ya! But it's a secret. . just between you and me. I don't want my system to become too public." Vladimir: "OK. It's a deal." Vito: "You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedo. When the women see it, they come running from miles around." Vladimir: "That's it? I can do that." The next day, Vladimir went over to the produce stand and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedo. As he walked out onto the beach, he immediately noticed more...

An Italian named Uncle Vito buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Italian baby boy weighing 25 pounds."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of, "WOW!" were heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Italian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father, Uncle Vito, answered, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned and asks, "Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth."
The Italian father, Uncle Vito, takes a slow swig from his scotch on the rocks, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans in to the bartender and proudly says, "We had his hair cut!"