Wake Jokes / Recent Jokes
A couple has a male friend visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in and keeps him from traveling. Since the couple doesn't have a guest room, the friend says he'll find a nearby hotel and be on his way in the morning.
"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we are all friends here." The husband agrees, and before long they're settled in: Husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.
After a while, the husband begins snoring. The wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally he'd like to, but he's reluctant. "We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me," he says.
"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair out of his butt. He won't even wake up."
The friend does and, sure enough, more...
An aquarium is just interactive television for cats. Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be. At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you. Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes. Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it. Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that won't feed you fast enough. Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia. Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit. Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right. Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner. Cats know what more...
Two Couples Had A Quarrel And They Were Not Talking With Each Other. But The Husband Had To Wake Up Early At 5 In The Morning. So He Finds Ways To Tell Her Wife. Then Comes An Idea In His Mind. He Writes On A Paper To Her To Wake Him Up At 5 & Keeps The Chit On His Bed
In The Morning He Suddenly Wakes Up & Sees A Chit, "Its 5 o'clock, Get Up" (As They Are Not Talking With Each Other.)
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.
Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor..
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
At AA meetings you begin:' Hi my name is.. uh..'
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in more...
Mother (To Child): Wake Up! Wake Up! You Are Being Late!
Child: Mom I Do'nt Want To Go To School
Mother: But Why?
Child: I Saw A Dream
Mother: What Dream?
Child: I Was Running A 100 Metre Race!
Mother: So?
Child: I Am Tired
Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's bedside table that said "Wake me at six."
An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table:
"It's six, you bum! Get out of bed!"
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.
Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is... uh...' Your idea of cutting back is less salt. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear more...