Wake Jokes / Recent Jokes

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
When you can focus better with one eye closed
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
Every woman you see has an exact twin.
You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
If you keep asking your wife "where are the kids?", but you don't
really have a wife and you're talking to the refridgerator.
You fall off the floor.
You discover in the morning liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared.
Had "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed, more...

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your more...

Confucius say...Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.Man who fart in church sit in own pew.Baseball very funny game-man with 4 balls no can walk! Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.Woman who ride bicycle in city pedal ass all over town.Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.Support bacteria - it's the only culture some people have! Man who run behind car get exhausted.Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor.Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake with smelly finger.Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.Man with atletic finger make broad jump.Squirrel who runs up more...

Three golfers were waiting for the fourth to show up. Always late, this bloke was much later than he usually was. Giving up, they ask a gent on the pratice green if he would like to join them. He did - and what a great golfer he was! Later, back at the clubhouse, the fellows asked if he would join them as part of their regular foursome. He agrees, and they say meet us here again tomorrow at 7:00 a.m. The new guys says "7, 7:15." Next day the fellow shows up at 7 sharp, but to the amazement of the other golfers, this time he is golfing left handed! - where, the day before, he golfed right handed. Yet, he was a scratch golfer left-handed as well. Back at the club house, the fellows were curious about his unbelievable ability to golf so well from either side. "So how do you decide which way you're going to golf?" ask one. The new golfer replied: "Well, when I wake, if my wife is sleeping on her right side, I golf right-handed. If she's on her left, I golf more...

How many Wake Forest fraternity brothers does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? Seventeen. One to do it and sixteen to shell the M&Ms.

Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be a shiftless bastard. Man who lay girl on hill not on level. He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab. Wife who put man in dog house find him in cat house. Man who farts in church sits alone in pew. Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand. Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing. Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down. Man with athletic finger make broad jump. Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts. Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak. Modern house without toilet uncanny. Woman who springs on inner-spring this spring, gets off-spring next spring Nail on board is not good as screw on bench. Short man who dance with tall woman get bust in mouth. Man who lay woman on ground has peace on earth. Man who sleep on railroad tracks wake up with split personality. more...

Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
You see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business. (how OLD this 1 is? *g* )
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't any.
You turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city.
The woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.
You wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then you realize that you don't have a water bed.
Your horn goes off accidently and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
You get a rejection notice from the HUMOR Listserver saying that you're no longer more...