Wake Jokes / Recent Jokes

On a bus station, an old lady got into a bus and said to the driver, "Sonny boy, I think I'm going to fall asleep during this long bus ride. Can you wake me up when we get to New York?" The Driver replied, "Sure
thing." But later he forgot all about the old lady and only when he went 3 hours past New york he remembered that he had to wake her up. He felt
really sorry for the old lady so he decided to go all the way back to New York and wake up the old lady and pretend like nothing happend. Even when all the other passengers disagreed the driver didn't change his mind.Finally when they got to New York. He woke up the old lady and the old lady got up, looked inside her bag, took out a pill and ate it. Then she said, "Thank you sonny boy! I always forget to take my medication in
time!" and went back to sleep again.

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.
One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining.
Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.
At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down, but when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"
"Well," Jake replied, "the women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I more...

You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
You see a '60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You want to put the clothes on you wore home from the party
but find there aren't any.
Your twin brother forgot your birthday.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
from the city.
Your car horn accidentally goes off and remains stuck as
you follow a group of Hells Angels along a deserted highway.
You wake to discover your waterbed has sprung a leak and
then realize you don't have a waterbed.
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
You call your answering service and you're told to mind
your own business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
Your tax refund more...

Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's bedside table that said "Wake me at six".
An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table: "It's six, you bum! Get out of bed!"

You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Your job is interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream. Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not! Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem! You can focus better with one eye closed. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. You fall off the floor... Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is... uh...' Your idea of cutting back is less salt. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. The more...

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor.
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger; screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..'
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your more...

Farmer Joe had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Joe's wife brought his lunch to him.
Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Joe's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking her in the head, and killing her instantly.
At the wake, Joe's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Joe he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Joe and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"
"Well," Joe replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my more...