Walk Jokes / Recent Jokes
Blaming your farts on me. .. not funny.
Yelling at me for barking. .. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!!
How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone.
Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?
Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. .. stop it.
Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.
The slight-of-hand-fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit!
Once upon a time, I had a maddening passion for baked beans. I loved them, but they always had a very embarrassing and somewhat odious reaction on me. Then one day I met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent we would marry, I thought to myself, she is such a sweet girl, she will never go for this kind of carrying on. So I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. We were married shortly thereafter.
Some months later, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since we lived in the country, I called my wife and told her I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way home, I passed a small cafe' and the odor of freshly baked beans was overwhelming, I had several miles to walk so I figured that the effects of the beans would wear off before I got home. So I stopped at the cafe' and had three orders of baked beans.
All the way home I putt-putted and after arriving, felt reasonably safe that I had putted my last putt. My wife seemed somewhat excited to see me more...
Gags for the Office Drone Run one lap around the office at top speed
Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'no-player'must be in the bathroom at the time)
Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye"
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way"
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. THREE-POINT GAGS Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all more...
A little girl asks her Mom, "May I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No honey, the dog is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage". The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and said I should ask you". Her Dad said, "Bring Susie over here". He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear end with it and said, "Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block". The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Her Dad asks, "Where's Susie?" The girl replies, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block -and there's another dog pushing her home!
A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country, and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run.... run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"
A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!"
All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls."
The Scotsman yells even louder, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!"
Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who is used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if things go wrong.
What YOU carry is a ten foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.
Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this so you can more...
The String And Octopus Guide To Parenthood by Colin BowlesPreparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father. 1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local pharmacy, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time. 2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest more...