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Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!" Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass!"

What kind of watch is best for people who dont like time on their hands? A pocket watch.

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by
train to a conference. At the station, the three
lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three
engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one
ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.
"Watch and you`ll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their
respective seats but all three engineers cram into
a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor
comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the
restroom door and says, "Ticket, please" The door
opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers saw this and agreed,
it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy
the engineers on the return trip and more...

Oops! Has anyone seen my watch? That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing! Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual? OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. Come back with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that... uh... that uh..... thingie If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? Damn, there go the lights again... Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of' em. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off. I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right? What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change! What do more...

Sign in a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."Sign on the door of the maternity ward: "Push Push Push." Sign at entrance of the IRS: "Watch your step." Sign at the exit of the IRS: "Watch your mouth." Sign in a bookstore: "We treat you write." Sign on a front door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog." Sign on a scientist's door: "Gone fission." Sign in a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.
Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The "Children's Bill of Rights."
It says I need not clean my room,
don't have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.
I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
and I sure don't have to pray.
I can wear earrings if I want,
and pierce my tongue and nose.
I can read and watch just what I like,
get tattoos from head to toe.
And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.
Don't you ever touch me,
my body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.
Don't preach about your more...

"Can I go outside and watch the solar eclipse?" asked Rupert. "Okay," replied his father, "but don't stand too close."