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The little girl was so proud of her birthday presents, her first watch and her first perfume. She really made a pest of herself throughout the morning, going up to all the relatives and sticking that watch in their ear and insisting that they smell her perfume.
The preacher was coming for lunch, but before his arrival, the girl's mother had said, "If you mention that watch or that perfume just once more, I'm going to send you to your room for the rest of the day."
The meal went rather well, and the little girl held her tongue until just when the desert was being served. She wanted to make sure that the preacher, too, knew about her new watch and her perfume:
"If you hear anything or smell anything... it's me!"

The world's greatest hypnotist is on stage in front of hundredsof people swinging a long chain with a watch on the end.He's saying, "You're all in my power...you're all in my power.."Fifteen hundred people are going, "Oooo..."He starts to say it again, "You're all in my...", when heaccidentally drops the watch.He says, "Shit."It took them two weeks to dig everybody out.

While in a very exclusive jewelry store, the shoplifter was caught attempting to steal a watch.
"Look," said the shoplifter, "Neither of us want any trouble. How about I just buy the watch and we can forget all about this?"
Agreeing, the manager made up a sales slip. The shoplifter looked at the slip and said, "Actually, this is a little more than I had intended to spend. Could you show me something a little less expensive?"

"Watch out," the wife cautioned her husband, who was driving. "Don`t you see that car is braking?" Then she snapped, "Don`t pass that truck - his tire is wobbling."
The husband turned on his CB and informed the trucker about his loose wheel. The incessant squealing of the CB irritated the wife, in a nasty mood because of a headache. "Why do you always get so much static?" she asked.
"Because," her long-suffering husband replied, "I`m married."
----
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I`ve got a big problem doctor. Every time we`re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that`s completely natural. I don`t see what the problem is?"
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up."
----
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

The little girl was SO proud of her Christmas presents, her first watch and her first perfume. She really made a pest of herself throughout the morning, going up to all the relatives and sticking that watch in their ear and insisting that they smell her perfume.
The preacher was coming for lunch, but before his arrival, the girl's mother had said, "If you mention that watch or that perfume just once more, I'm going to send you to your room for the rest of the day."
The meal went rather well, and the little girl held her tongue until just when the desert was being served. She wanted to make sure that the preacher, too, knew about her new watch and her perfume: "If you hear anything or smell anything... it's me!"

Sign in a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
Sign on the door of the maternity ward: "Push Push Push."
Sign at entrance of the IRS: "Watch your step."
Sign at the exit of the IRS: "Watch your mouth."
Sign in a bookstore: "We treat you write."
Sign on a front door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
Sign on a scientist's door: "Gone fission."
Sign in a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

My fiancee who is slightly twisted (obvious from her help on the last carol I posted) came up with this earlier this year. Deck the halls with gasoline.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
Light a match and watch them gleam.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
Watch the school burn down to ashes.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
Aren't you glad you played with matches.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
See the blazing school before us.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
Shoot the band and hang the chorus.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
Toast professors like marshmellows.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
Aren't they such delicious fellows.
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.