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When you dress it up with silver and gold, it doesn't look like a cheap hooker.
A Christmas tree will never complain if you compare it to another bush.
A Christmas tree will stay up late, watch a porno with you, and won't say, "Hey, look at the size of that dick... I didn't know they made 'em that big!"
Christmas trees actually like when you use exotic electrical devices.
A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have a plastic one in the closet.
It always smells fresh as a forest.
A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day or go to a strip club after work.
A Christmas tree doesn't get possessive if you want to let your neighbor use your balls.
You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas more...

You know you watch too much television when you see a comerical and say...
"Oh! That's the short version of that comerical."

How do you fix a woman's watch? - It doesn't matter. There is a clock on the oven.

An old man walked into doctors chambers with an old lady and wanted to talk to the doctor. He told the doctor that he wanted the doctor to watch him having sex with the lady and tell him whether he was doing properly.
The doctor watched and told he was quite ok and there was nothing wrong with him. The man paid 20. 00 dollars as the co payment and went away. Next he walked in again and did the same thing while doctor watched.
Third week when he came again docotr told him " My friend this joke want do". You are upto something and I cannot watch this game again and again.
The man told the doc that if he rent a room at a hotel he had to pay atleast 75 dollers. This way he gets medicare payment for the visit 60 dollars and after paying the doctor he makes a profit of 40 dollars. That was his last visit.

"Hey, this is a nude beach. I ain't getting in that cold water!" - Shrinkaphobia
"Get that *^%#*# vodka bottle away from me!!" - Carmenelectraphobia
"He's coming straight for us - with his left turn signal on!" - Oldfartophobia
"You have to push 'Start' to turn the damn computer off?!" - Windophobia
"I won't go to your frat house to eat gyros and watch a tape of the Israel Philharmonic Orchestra on your old Sony VCR!" - ThetaFetaMetaBetaphobia
"No! Don't call the plumber!!!" - Buttcrackaphobia
"No, I don't want to watch 'Friends.' That blonde chick freaks me out." - Phoebephobia
"Um, Doctor, why are you putting on that rubber glove?" - Probeophobia
"You're busy Saturday? Well, how about next weekend then?" - Rentanotherpornophobia
"It's NOT my imagination! Senator Helms is looking at me "that" way again!" - Homophobophobia
"Honey, I more...

Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been married years. Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars." The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least watch. And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an arguement. The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you pay ten dollars. So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could. Heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admited defeat and went back the air port. "I'm more...

Jack has stolen the rabbi's gold watch and afterwards felt guilty about what he did.
After a sleepless night, he went to the rabbi.
"Rabbi, I stole a gold watch."
"But Jack, that's forbidden! You should return it immediately!"
"What shall I do?
"Give it back to the owner."
"Do you want it?"
"No, I said return it to its owner."
"But he doesn't want it." "
"In that case, you can keep it."