Web Jokes / Recent Jokes
During World War II, a US marine was separated from his unit on a Pacific island. The fighting had been intense, and in the smoke and the crossfire he had lost touch with his comrades.
Alone in the jungle, he could hear enemy soldiers coming in his direction. Scrambling for cover, he found his way up a high ridge to several small caves in the rock. Quickly he crawled inside one of the caves. Although safe for the moment, he realized that once the enemy soldiers looking for him swept up the ridge, they would quickly search all the caves and he would be killed.
As he waited, he prayed, Lord, if it be your will, please protect me. Whatever your will though, I love you and trust you. Amen.
After praying, he lay quietly listening to the enemy begin to draw close. He thought, well, I guess the Lord isn't going to help me out of this one.
Then he saw a spider begin to build a web over the front of his cave. As he watched, listening to the enemy more...
Sing this to the tune "walking in a winter wonderland!
Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy--although
My boss let me go--
Happily addicted to the Web.
All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.
Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man;
I just discovered letterman-dot-com!"
I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!
Assembler Chicken: First it builds the road …
C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways.
C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn’t have to cross the road, you’d simply refer to him on the other side.
COBOL Chicken: 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING. IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE ELSE GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSINGc
Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don’t dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.
Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.
G3 300 mH Chicken: It crosses twice as fast as any Pentium chicken
Gopher Chicken: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.
Intel Pentium Chicken: The chicken crossed 4. 9999978 times.
Iomega Chicken: The chicken should have backed up before crossing.
Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the more...
New Words for the 2000sBlamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands. Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment. SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in a divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets. Tourists - People who take training classes just more...
How do you swat flies in Texas?
With a tennis racket.
First Mother Fly: How's the new baby?
Second Mother Fly: Very restless. I had to walk the ceiling with him all night.
How does a spider greet a fly?
"I'm so pleased to eat you!"
Why are spiders good baseball players?
Because they know how to catch flies.
What's the difference between a duck and a spider?
The duck has a web in its feet, the spider has its feet in a web.
Where do spiders go to learn new words?
Web-ster's Dictionary.
Who can leap tall poodles in a single bound?
Super Flea.
Which mosquito attacked Dorothy and Toto?
The Wicked Itch of the West.
Who is the termites' favorite comedian?
Woody Allen
Who are the best-dressed insects on the police force?
The Miami Lice.
Who was the greatest insect baseball player?
Mickey Mantis
THE LIFE OF A COMPUTER ANALYST (Long but VERY Funny!) Monday ------ 8: 05am User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let these people vote and drive, too? 8: 12am Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer... 8: 14 am User from 8: 05 call said they received error message "Error accessing Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport. 11: 00 am Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she more...