Week Jokes / Recent Jokes

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1, 000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her. “Sister, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1, 000 a week in the collection plate, ” he stated. “Why yes, ” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and what I don’t need I give to the church. ” “That’s wonderful, how much does he send you? ” “Oh, $2, 000 a week. ” “Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living? ” “He is a veterinarian, ” she answered. “That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice? ” “Well, he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas”!

In a former communist East European country, a schoolgirl came to her teacher and said very proudly:' Our cat has had a litter of six kittens and they are all communists.' The teacher was impressed with the child and invited the inspector to visit the school and see for himself how well indoctrinated her students were. A week later the inspector arrived.' Tell the gentleman about your cat,' the teacher instructed her student.
'She has had six kittens and they are all democrats,' said the girl.
'What!' exclaimed the teacher aghast and let down.' Last week you told me they are all communists. What makes you say now they are democrats?'
'Since then their eyes have opened,' replied the student.

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!"
The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17 000 on a new car, "he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The third, a blond male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "I have to laugh when I think about it," he chuckles. "Last week my wife left on a vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least 5
boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even have a penis!"

What the 24th century would be like under today's management
techniques.
After the crew is told they are now Empowered, Dr. Crusher
begins doing medical experiments on unsuspecting enlisted personnel
while Worf slaughters everyone he considers "weak".
Data fails an ISO9000 audit because the construction of his
positronic brain isn't properly documented. He curses Dr. Suhn's
record keeping as he's stripped for parts.
All members of the ship's maintenance crew are required to be
involved in Quality Circles. The loss of productive work time causes
them to cut back on scheduled repairs, resulting in a warp core
breach that kills everyone.
Commander Riker is fired after a round of "right sizing". Star
Fleet decided that it didn't really need someone to seduce alien
females and smirk a lot.
As part of the new Dignity Enhancement program, Picard is
forced to allow Troi to wear uniforms that cover her more...

1. You attempt to enter your password on the microwave.
2. It's been years since you've played solitaire with a real deck of cards.
3. You email your son in his room to tell him dinner is ready. He emails back and asks, "What's for dinner?"
4. You chat several times a day with a stranger in South Africa, yet you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor so far this year.
5. You refer to your dining room table as 'that flat filing cabinet'.
6. Your idea of being organized is multi-colored post-it notes.
7. You hear most of your jokes via email rather than in person.
8. The concept of using real money, rather than credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
9. You buy a computer and a week later it's outdated and sells for half the price you paid.
10. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
11. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
12. Your reasoning for not staying in touch more...

A new company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid he company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business! The CEO, walks up the guy and asks -? and how much money do you make a week?? Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies,? I make $200.00 a week. Why?? The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams -? here?s a week?s pay, now GET OUT and don?t come back!? Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks -? does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?? With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters -? That was the Pizza delivery guy?.

You've slept with Geraldo Rivera.
Arsenio touches your knee.
Even Richard Dawson won't kiss you.
Sheik offers you free shares in the company.
You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you.
The EPA comes looking for you.
You go through a Sealy (tm) a week.
Frederic actually comes to your door himself... just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
When people say "Ho, Ho, Ho" and it's July.
When you don't know "What's his name?"
You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
You are the headquarters for the CDC.
Your baby looks familiar, but... like who?
When they change your # to 976.
Tetracycline is your best friend.
McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal".
It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
Changing your sheets comes more than once a day.
When you've got a "Take a NUmber" machine at your door.
When they call more...