Weekend Jokes / Recent Jokes

This really happened. 8-)
A woman with a broken ankle was gingerly hobbling along on crutches
as she attempted to walk her dog. Because of her handicap, however,
she was having a lot of trouble keeping the dog under control.
Finally, the dog lunged forward, the leash slipped out of her
hand, and the dog went running down the street. She called and
called, but the dog wouldn't come back. Since she couldn't chase
after it, she eventually gave up and went home.
A couple of hours later she heard something scratching at the door.
When she went to the door she found her dog standing there with a
dead rabbit in its mouth. Upon closer inspection, she realized it
was the neighbors' pet rabbit. She knew she would never be able
to tell them what happened, and since they were out of town for the
weekend, she hit upon a plan.
She took the rabbit into the bathroom, washed it off, and blew
its fur dry. Then she took the rabbit back to the more...

The teacher in Little Johnny's class decided to make a deal with her class. Every Friday at the end of the day, she'll ask them a question and whoever answers it can get a three-day weekend. Well for a couple of weeks, The teacher asked outrageous questions like "How many stars are there in the sky?" or "how many grains of sand are there on the beach?" Of course they're impossible.
But Johnny got desperate to get that three-day weekend. So, on Thursday night, he took two ping-pong balls and colored them black and put them in a paper bag.
Next day when the time came for the question,soon as the teacher said, "It's time for the question of the week!"
He emptied the bag and the ping pong balls rolled to the front of the room. Since they are third graders, they snickered and all, then the teacher said, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls??"
Little Johnny sprange up and yell, "Bill Cosby! See you on Tuesday!"

Women's Lifestyles Through the AgesAGE... DRINK17... Winecoolers25... White wine35... Red wine48... Dom Perignon66... Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaserEXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES17... Need to wash my hair25... Need to wash and condition my hair 35... Need to color my hair48... Need to have Francois color my hair66... Need to have Francois color my wigFAVORITE SPORT17... shopping25... shopping35... shopping48... shopping66... shoppingFAVORITE DRUG17... shopping25... shopping35... shopping48... shopping66... shoppingDEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE17... "Burger King"25... "Free meal"35... "A diamond"48... "A bigger diamond"66... "Home Alone"FAVORITE FANTASY17... tall, dark and handsome25... tall, dark and handsome with money35... tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain 48... a man with hair66... a manHOUSE PET17... Muffy the cat25... Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat35... Irish setter and Muffy the Cat48... Children from his more...

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5: 30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a nudge and say,' Golf Course or Intercourse?' So she says,' Wear your sweater.'"

AgeFAVORITE DRINK
16beer
21bourbon
30vodka
45double vodka
70Maalox
AgeSEDUCTION LINE
16My parents are away for the weekend.
21My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
30My fiancee is away for the weekend.
45My wife is away for the weekend.
70My second wife is dead.
AgeFAVORITE SPORT
16sex
21sex
30sex
45sex
70napping
AgeDEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
16"tongue"
21"breakfast"
30"She didn't set back my therapy."
45"I didn't have to meet her kids."
70"Got home alive."
AgeFAVORITE FANTASY
16getting to third
21airplane sex
30menage a trois
45taking the company public
70Swiss maid/love slave
AgeHOUSE PET
16roaches
21stoned-out college roommate
30Irish setter
45children from his first marriage
70Barbi
AgeWHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
1621
2130
3045
4570
7016
AgeIDEAL more...

there were these 3 nunes they got the weekend off.
Well they came back to the nune house and had to confess there sins.
The first nune said mother i need to confess my sins that i did this weeked and she said what was it- "i kissed a guy" your sin has been forgotten you may drink the holy water the 3rd one chucled a littel bit.
The 2nd nune came up and said mother I need to confess my sins and the mother nune said what did you do this weekend she said i wacthed a rated r movie. THe mother nune said your sin has been for gotten you may drink the holy water. THe 3rd one chuclked a liteel bit.
THEN IT WAS THE 3rd on to confess her sins and the mother nune said what kind of sin do you need to be forgotten about and the 3rd one said I PISSED IN THE HOLY WATER.

Any project will require at least two trips to the hardware store.
If you need more than one item (pair, four, etc) the probability that one will be damaged or the wrong color is directly proportional to the desire or need of the object.
You always need more paint
You never have enough nails, screws, glue, or other fasteners
The probability that you will complete a weekend project before the end of the weekend decreases with when you actually start the project. (see Law #6)
Corollary: Any plumbing project started after 4pm on Sunday will require an emergency call to the plumber to fix the broken pipe.
To estimate the amount of time needed to complete a project: estimate the amount of time needed, multiply by two and use the next highest unit. A one hour task will take two days to complete.