Weekend Jokes / Recent Jokes

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning. Her husband replied Well, lots of dogs can do that. The wife responded, But we've never subscribed to any papers!!!

Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial. After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years. I wonder how the girls are doing?"

Absent
(n) The notation generally following your name in a class record.
Admissions Office
(n) Where they take you to get you to admit you've
mooned the keynote speaker during "new student weekend."
Anatomy
(n) One of those classes that sounds vaguely risque until
you find out what it REALLY involves.
Biology
(n) A class located suspiciously near the cafeteria.
Book
(n) A depository of knowledge which a student will try to stay
awake long enough to read the night before finals.
Bookbag
(n) A large container in which students store candy bars, gum,
combs, little slips of paper with phone numbers on them, yo-yos,
sunglasses, student I.D.s, loose change, magazines, & (occasionally) books.
Cafeteria
(n) from Latin "cafe" ("place to eat") and "teria" ("to wretch").
Caffeine
(n) One of the four basic food groups.
Call
(v) What you can't do because your more...

Four blokes are out playing golf.

The first golfer says, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint all the outside of the house next weekend."

The second golfer said, "That''s nothing, I had to promise my wife I would paint all the rooms in our house."

The third golfer said, "Man, you''ve both got it easy! I had to promise my wife I would remodel the kitchen for her."

After a few holes they realized that the other golfer had not said a word, so they asked him, "Didn''t you have to promise your wife anything in order to go golfing?"

The fourth golfer said, "I just set the alarm for 5: 30 AM. When it goes off, I give the wife a dig and say, "Golf course or intercourse?," and she replies, "You had better wear your sweater because it might be cold."

A fellow goes to the pharmacist and says,
"Listen, these two girls are coming over this
weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you
have something to get me going all night? It's
going to be a hell of a party."
The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back
with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff
is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I
guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing
all night. Let me know how it goes."
The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the
pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy
waiting for him on the door-step.
The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so
early? How was your weekend? "
The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice (a
muscle pain relief).
The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been
doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you
can't put that on your penis. The skin is way
too more...

This weekend, I discovered a cooking tip I haven't seen listed in any cookbooks. While you are preparing the food, and after the guests have arrived, you contrive to fill the house up with smoke, preferably enough to get at least two smoke detectors going. Then you go rushing about the house, opening all the windows, setting up fans, and generally doing everything short of calling the fire department. Let the guests sit for about 1/2 hour at 50 degrees (as a result of opening the windows) and serve the food. By this point, you have established expectations in your guests' minds that you can't fail to exceed!

Women's Lifestyles Through the Ages
AGE... DRINK
17... Winecoolers
25... White wine
35... Red wine
48... Dom Perignon
66... Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17... Need to wash my hair
25... Need to wash and condition my hair
35... Need to color my hair
48... Need to have Francois color my hair
66... Need to have Francois color my wig
FAVORITE SPORT
17... shopping
25... shopping
35... shopping
48... shopping
66... shopping
FAVORITE DRUG
17... shopping
25... shopping
35... shopping
48... shopping
66... shopping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17... "Burger King"
25... "Free meal"
35... "A diamond"
48... "A bigger diamond"
66... "Home Alone"
FAVORITE FANTASY
17... tall, dark and handsome
25... tall, dark and handsome with money
35... tall, dark and handsome with money and a more...