Weekend Jokes / Recent Jokes
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said,
"You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
. .. O... o
. .. and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?", more...
Women's Lifestyles Through the AgesAGE... DRINK17... Winecoolers25... White wine35... Red wine48... Dom Perignon66... Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaserEXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES17... Need to wash my hair25... Need to wash and condition my hair 35... Need to color my hair48... Need to have Francois color my hair66... Need to have Francois color my wigFAVORITE SPORT17... shopping25... shopping35... shopping48... shopping66... shoppingFAVORITE DRUG17... shopping25... shopping35... shopping48... shopping66... shoppingDEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE17... "Burger King"25... "Free meal"35... "A diamond"48... "A bigger diamond"66... "Home Alone"FAVORITE FANTASY17... tall, dark and handsome25... tall, dark and handsome with money35... tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain 48... a man with hair66... a manHOUSE PET17... Muffy the cat25... Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat35... Irish setter and Muffy the Cat48... Children from his more...
You need a second job (or your parents do) just to pay for gloves, bats, equipment, uniforms, player fees, batting cages, etc... Your second job is umpiring at softball games. Your idea of spending quality time with your spouse is playing on the same co-ed team. You have more than one bat that cost over $200. You go to the softball fields on nights your team isn't even playing. You used to rest and relax on the weekends, now the only rest you get is between games at a tournament. You think "wearing something nice" means an all-tournament shirt with no dirt stains. When someone says they are going out of town this weekend you ask if there is a tournament there. All your white socks have dirt stains from playing softball. Your idea of a weekend getaway is a two-day tournament in (insert town name). You have a tattoo that says softball forever. You plan your summer vacation each year around the state softball tournament. You own more softball t-shirts than pairs of underwear. more...
Stages of Life
THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK 17 beer 25 bourbon 35 vodka 48 double vodka 66 Maalox
AGE SEDUCTION LINE 17 My parents are away for the weekend. 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend. 35 My fiancee is away for the weekend. 48 My wife is away for the weekend. 66 My second wife is dead.
AGE FAVORITE SPORT 17 sex 25 sex 35 sex 48 sex 66 napping
AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 "tongue" 25 "breakfast" 35 "She didn't set back my therapy." 48 "I didn't have to meet her kids." 66 "Got home alive."
AGE FAVORITE FANTASY 17 getting to third 25 airplane sex 35 menage a trois 48 taking the company public 66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66 17
AGE IDEAL DATE 17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in 25 "Split the check before we go back to my place" 35 "Just come over." 48 "Just come over and more...
Ah Seng, a recruit, was a bit of a loner. He took to drinking heavily whenever he booked out for the weekend. One weekend, he returned so drunk that he was told to see the Commanding Officer immediately. “Look Ah Seng, why don’t you shape up? ” said the CO, who was something of a softie. “There is a real future for you here if you sober up. You could become a corporal, or even a sergeant! Isn’t that something to look forward to? ” Ah Seng replied, ”Well, Sir, to tell you the truth, that’s really not good enough for me because after a few glasses of Tiger, I feel like a colonel! ”
A middle manager is called into his bosses office on a Monday morning. He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by thenext Monday. "Downsizing."He's really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and itdoesn't seem fair. So for the next 2 days he racks his brain trying tofigure out who to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jillstanding at the water cooler. He says to himself, "Okay it's going to beone of them."He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does. Everything is equal. Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He'sin a quandary. It's Friday afternoon and he knows his going to have tothink about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack andJill, who are getting ready to leave. She comes over to say goodbye."Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don't look so good. Is everythingokay?"He looks at her and says "To be honest, I'm having a tough time here. Ican't decide if I more...
Stages of LifeTHE MALE STAGES OF LIFEAGE DRINK 17 beer 25 bourbon 35 vodka 48 double vodka 66 MaaloxAGE SEDUCTION LINE 17 My parents are away for the weekend. 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend. 35 My fiancee is away for the weekend. 48 My wife is away for the weekend. 66 My second wife is dead.AGE FAVORITE SPORT 17 sex 25 sex 35 sex 48 sex 66 nappingAGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 "tongue" 25 "breakfast" 35 "She didn't set back my therapy." 48 "I didn't have to meet her kids." 66 "Got home alive."AGE FAVORITE FANTASY 17 getting to third 25 airplane sex 35 menage a trois 48 taking the company public 66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slaveAGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66 17AGE IDEAL DATE 17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in 25 "Split the check before we go back to my place" 35 "Just come over." 48 "Just come over and cook." 66 Sex in the company jet on the way more...