Weight Jokes / Recent Jokes

What is the proper weight for an attorney? About 3 pounds,... not counting the urn!

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too!"

According to research presented Monday, new mothers who want to lose the extra weight they gained in pregnancy should try to get more sleep.

For those who stay asleep long enough, the baby loses weight, too.

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin."Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover.""Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too!"

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the Fathers noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?", he asked." Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." Sister Susan explained, matter-of-factly. A month or so later the Father noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?", he asked again." Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." She replied again. A few months later the Father noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carraige in the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carraige and said -"What a cute little fart!"

An extremely obese man shows up at his doctor's office and claims that he's tried every possible way to lose weight, to no avail. So the doctor proposes a radical diet: rectal feeding. Reassuring the fattie that he won't starve to death, the doctor explains that he can actually take in enough nutrients through the rectal walls to sustain life, but that he's sure to lose weight in the process.
Three weeks later the patient comes in for a follow-up appointment, and he's down from 360 to a trim 175 pounds. The doctor shows him into his office and asks him how he's feeling, noticing that he's bouncing up and down in his seat quite energetically. "I'm feeling great, doc; never felt better" is the reply.
"In that case, why are you bouncing up and down like that?" asked the doctor.
"Just chewing some gum!"

Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

A man would no longer be considered a' 'good catch'' simply because he is breathing

Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.

Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

''Ms.'' Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.

Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.

Little girls would read' 'Snow White and the Seven Hunks''

Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.

Men would bring drinks, more...