Windows Jokes / Recent Jokes
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.The announcement also included a notice that beginning December 9, 1997, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on more...
Microsoft denies link to loss of programmers
While acknowledging that such a typographical error would have undefined results at run time, and that error trapping in the compiler was not totally comprehensive, a Microsoft spokesperson denied that the recent demise of several Beta testers was linked to a typo they may have made while using the EXECUTE_PROGRAM_IMMEDIATE API using Neural C.
Such a typo has been linked in persistent rumors surrounding the as yet unreleased product Windows TP. It is reported to have occurred when programmers using the EXECUTE_PROGRAM_IMMEDIATE API inadvertently typed EXECUTE_PROGRAMMER_IMMEDIATE.
Internal sources who wished to remain unnamed commented, "This is BETA software after all and bugs are to be expected," "We can't trap every error a user may make," and "Any one who uses undocumented calls is on their own!"
Microsoft did say that it was unlikely that this problem would be addressed before release 2.0. more...
Included subliminal "Impeach Janet Reno" messages in start-up screen. New Internet Explorer feature: whenever you visit a Web site ending in ". gov," a message first appears reminding you that Microsoft is not a monopoly. Source code no longer ones and zeros - try 666s and zeros. Windows start-up theme, played backward, says, "Here's to my sweet Satan." Comes with check for $50 that, if cashed, puts your name on an Internet petition telling the DOJ to buzz off *and* changes your long distance carrier to AT&T. New desktop icon - click once, and $1 will go directly from your checking account into the Microsoft Legal Defense Fund. Added new template to preinstalled version of Word: "Letter to the editor expressing delight with Microsoft products." Freebie computer-controlled Barney doll has been reprogrammed to say, "Big government is sca-a-ary. Janet tried to hurt me." TV function scrambles C-Span during antitrust hearings. Desktop more...
Customer: "Your sound card is defective and I want a new one." Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?" Customer: "The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left. It's defective!" Tech Support: "You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice versa." Customer: (sputter) (click) Tech Support: (snicker)***I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the more...
"Hello, Mr. Brown," said the sales rep. "I'm calling because our company replaced all the windows in your house with our triple-glazed weather-tight windows over a year ago, and you still haven't sent us a single payment."
The customer replied, "But you said they'd pay for THEMSELVES in 12 months."
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do: 1. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that. 2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that. 3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too. 4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too. 5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too. Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So Windows is not a virus. It's a bug.