Windows Jokes / Recent Jokes

This weekend, I discovered a cooking tip I haven't seen listed in any cookbooks.
While you are preparing the food, and after the guests have arrived, you contrive to fill the house up with smoke, preferably enough to get at least two smoke detectors going.
Then you go rushing about the house, opening all the windows, setting up fans, and generally doing everything short of calling the fire department.
Let the guests sit for about 1/2 hour at 50 degrees (as a result of opening the windows) and serve the food.
By this point, you have established expectations in your guests' minds that you can't fail to exceed!

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35, 000 feet midway across the Atlantic.
"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"

Last
year I replaced all the windows in my house with
those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind,
but this week I got a call from the contractor, complaining
his work had been completed a year ago and I had
yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around
and around Just because Im a blonde does not mean
Im automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell
him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told
me last year - namely, that in one year, the windows
would pay for themselves... There was silence on
the other end of the line, so I just hung up. I have
not heard anything back.

This weekend, I discovered a cooking tip I haven't seen listed in any cookbooks.While you are preparing the food, and after the guests have arrived, you contrive to fill the house up with smoke, preferably enough to get at least two smoke detectors going.Then you go rushing about the house, opening all the windows, setting up fans, and generally doing everything short of calling the fire department.Let the guests sit for about 1/2 hour at 50 degrees (as a result of opening the windows) and serve the food.By this point, you have established expectations in your guests' minds that you can't fail to exceed!

This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... see?"
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?"
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!"
"Uh-huh."
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?"
And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do
you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here - see?!"
The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double more...

If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a Windows box crashed, he'd be a. ..
.... Oh, wait a minute, he already does and is.
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This article was seen in PC Week magazine.
"... it is a pleasure to read about the traffic cops who nearly stopped an air-to-surface missile in a speed trap on Dartmoor. The Devonshire Police were waving a radar gun at passing sheep when the display shot
up to 300 MPH and stuck there, a phenomenon explained seconds later by the appearance over the horizon of a Harrier Jet, flying fairly fast and very low and heading in the officers' general direction. This careless driving on the part of the Harrier soon became the subject of an official complaint, but the RAF replied that the officers should count their blessings. It turns out that the Harrier's on-board computer had locked on to the radar gun, and suspecting an enemy aircraft, had taken the liberty of arming the weapons. Imagine more...

Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.

DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.

DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.

Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.

OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged--with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in more...